A guide to Bitcoin: The amazing investment based on dream gold invented by a wizard

A FAT man lounging in an Essex hot tub has made enough money from bitcoin to retire. Now it’s your turn.

But what exactly is bitcoin, and why should you spend your life savings on it?

What is Bitcoin?

Simply put Bitcoin is dream gold, extracted from a fantasy numbers mine that can somehow be exchanged for actual money. It’s incredibly straightforward.

Is it safe?

Yes, it’s overseen by Blockchain, the heavily-tattooed Russian gangster and former weightlifter who rules E Block like a rod of iron. Nobody fucks with Blockchain. The last guy who did, oh man.

Who created it?

Satoshi Nakamoto, a mysterious figure variously thought to be Tesla boss Elon Musk, Neighbours actor Alan Dale, late rapper Biggie Smalls but is more likely to be Gandalf the Grey or Merlin. So far, the only verifiable fact about Nakamoto is that he was a playable character in Super Smash Bros Melee on the Nintendo Gamecube.

Should I trust it?

When the alternative is trusting a load of corrupt City bastards who gambled away billions of your money in 2008 and got away scot-free, why the fuck not?

But how can a dream be real? 

If you believe in yourself.

So should I invest?

The received financial wisdom is that the moment the man in the street finds out about a sure thing is the moment to get out. So yes, as the man in the street, now is your moment to lose everything. Act now! It could already be too late!

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Britain advances to phase two of being absolutely shafted

THE UK has achieved a significant breakthrough in the process of being done hard by the EU, and can now move to being properly shafted. 

After months of talks, Theresa May has finally agreed that Britain will bend over and take everything the EU told it to back in June, and is ready and waiting for the real pain to begin.

European Commission Jean-Claude Juncker said: “We wanted you not only to take your punishment, but to look happy about it and beg for more. Which is what we have achieved.

“Now we can move on to the trade talks in which you will find out in excruciating detail exactly how you are being fucked, for how long, and the specific areas that will hurt the most.

“Think of me as like the man in your English books, Christian Grey. Except without the kindness.”