Airport drop-off and other crap they've no right charging you for

EVEN in the inflationary nightmare of Britain today, being charged for stuff that has no right not being free still hurts. You’ll resent every penny of these until your dying day: 

Airport drop-off

You weren’t even the one who went on the holiday and you’re only there five minutes, but the opportunity’s there to f**k you over and airports have f**king seized it. Your good deed’s cost you £8 and will your freeloading wife and children stump up? No way. Still, it’s cheap compared to anything in the airport or on the flight.

Hospital parking

Because hospital attendance is largely voluntary, isn’t it? You could always stay home and die. You’re effectively being fined for being sick or worse, fined for dedicating your life to healing the sick. You could order an ambulance to your routine eye appointment, but you’d be a wanker and it wouldn’t come.

Passport check and send

A passport’s already a £70 rip-off – surely a document proving your identity and right to be here should be standard? Then you pay another £16 for the post office to check you’ve got your own date of birth right, because if you don’t an officious twat in Peterborough will rule your signature violates box borders and you’re in Lanzarote next month.

Booking fees

The gig itself costs more than is reasonable, shitloads more. And then they slap another £15 on top? Sometimes breaking it down insultingly by charging you £1.50 to print your own tickets on your own f**king printer? It doesn’t cost money to email a PDF, you bastards.

Guaranteed parcel delivery

‘I’d like to send a parcel.’ ‘Certainly sir. The service where there’s every chance it won’t arrive and you’ll have no recourse if it doesn’t, or would you like it to actually reach the recepient? That costs extra.’

Discretionary service charges

This fancy restaurant is so dedicated to removing all your stresses and cares that they’ve added a 15 per cent tip on your behalf, added to your bill without your lifting a finger. Looking tight-arsed by getting it amended is sufficient to stop most. Make a scene if you like but your date will judge you and you’ll get no shag.

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UK one flight to Egypt short of hitting net zero

BRITAIN has fallen short of its goal to hit net zero by one flight to Egypt, it has been confirmed.

The UK’s hard work recycling its domestic waste, cutting energy use and virtually wiping out heavy industry had the country almost at net zero until a single flight to Sharm El-Sheikh ruined it all.

Climate scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “The numbers don’t lie. This one act has offset every time you used public transport, remembered reusable cotton tote bags or ordered the vegan burger.

“A single flight, by a heedless individual who gave in to peer pressure, has undone a whole nation’s hard work. You might as well have driven a Range Rover off-road to a steak restaurant, throwing burning polystyrene out the windows as you went.

“I’d say it’s not the end of the world but it kind of is. Climate change is irreversible now. Earth will be uninhabitable by May next year. Good game, everyone, good game.

“Such a shame it was impossible to do this by Zoom. It’s not like anything they say out there will make any difference.”

Prime minister Rishi Sunak said: “Not my flight. It was Boris’s flight.”