Being thin finally back in fashion after years of ridicule, exclusion and mockery

AFTER decades of being considered bony, unattractive monstrosities shunned by culture and society, being thin is finally back in fashion.

In a landmark moment for those with fast metabolisms, cultural critics have heralded the long-overdue end of an era when normal, overweight and even the obese are upheld as the universal standard of beauty.

Naturally slim 5ft 10in Carolyn Ryan said: “I have no real boobs to speak of. My backside is not plump and luscious. No man has ever described me as ‘thicc’.

“No matter how much weight I gained around my hips, thighs and bust to be more like a Kardashian, it didn’t stay on. So I long ago resigned myself to spending my life alone.

“But now being slim is in, young, pretty and white women like me are finally covered in the media, and I feel seen. It’s emotional for me to know that my lithe, toned body will finally be accepted.”

Vogue editor Cheska Johnson said: “Heroin chic is back, slim silhouettes are dominating catwalks, the plus-sized reign of terror is finally over. We’re putting a size zero girl on the cover and I don’t care who it shocks.

“If little skinny girls can be represented then perhaps they’ll be inspired to go into acting, singing, modelling or just being universally desired.”

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'Phil stroke Holly. I'll get you out of this shit if you get me in the funeral. Quid pro quo babes': the texts of Gavin Williamson

GAVIN Willamson offered an ex-chief whip abuse, Tony Blair an arms deal and Sir David Attenborough a pair of breeding tarantulas to get into the Queen’s funeral. These are his texts: 

Boris. Carrie’s no good for this gig, she’d be like a weeping mistress at the graveside of a faithful husband. I’ll be your plus one. Still got the photos. Thanx G-Wizzy

Your Majesty. Many sorrowful returns. Also sorry for calling you a ‘wet green prick who spaffed a hot marriage right up the Regency wallpaper’ at the 2019 reception. Any chance of a seat at the back?

Phil stroke Holly. You’ve f**ked this right up. The whole country wants your heads on plates. Do your queue-jumping trick for me and I’ll calm the ignorant wankers down. Also we should have a threeway

Andy. I can get Balmoral rezoned as a D of E campsite for 18-21-year-old girls. call me

Sanna. Prime minister of f**king Finland? Shit job and nobody cares. But you’re hot enough to be on my arm for the funeral. No sneaking coke in. I’ve sorted that

Wendy M. Thought you understand my abusive, sneering texts were just how chief whips flirt. Send me a tirade of explicit, deviant filth back. I’ve got my Matt H in my hand here.

Truss you f**king freak. We all know you’re going to cock this up. Give me the speech, I’ll do it.

Blunt. You’ve had my bloody seat you singing twat. Don’t lie to me, we both know you’re doing You’re Beautiful at the gig. get me in with you or I will break your arse in half.