Crowd at bonfire realises this is what warm banks will look like

A CROWD of people huddled around a bonfire have realised they are staring at what warm banks will look like.

After the initial fascination of watching controlled outdoor flames wore off, attendees at the Pulteney Mews recreation ground bonfire became aware they were looking at how the poor and vulnerable will be forced to keep warm come winter.

Mum of three Emma Bradford said: “At first I was mesmerised by the flickering colours and the shower of sparks. Then after five minutes reality crept back into my brain and I felt sad again.

“The government’s not going to make warm banks out of lovely bespoke spaces. They might chuck a space heater into a library if we’re lucky. But let’s be honest, a rudimentary pile of burning twigs in an open field is much more likely.”

Onlooker Joseph Turner said: “I can see it now. There’ll be a two week waiting time to stand in front of the flames for five minutes and booking an appointment will be nigh-on impossible.

“I should really get into the flammable politician effigy business while I can. That sector’s going to be doing a roaring trade when these things roll out.”

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Date produces pre-relationship Christmas present waiver to sign

A MAN has presented his date with a legal document indemnifying both parties, should they progress to a relationship, from Christmas 2022 presents.

Tom Logan presented Hannah Tomlinson with the contract following their starter, recognising that the inauspicious timing of their first date necessitated clarification to ‘clear the air’.

He said: “If we’d started dating at the beginning of December, we could shrug it off. But November? There’s no chance of love blossoming with that outlay hanging over you.

“We’d be past the month mark and obligated to buy without knowing each other. End result? Huge non-recoverable spend, dissatisfaction on both sides, affection shrivels and dies.

“So I took the liberty of preparing this document. We both sign and we’re explicitly prohibited from buying each other any gift until January 31st, 2023. I just feel codifying it will release inhibitions and enable romance.

“It comes with the standard clauses about you explaining to friends I’m not cheap, loophole for the exchange of sexual favours if the relationship’s reached that point, and a punitive system of fines for violations. Sign here and countersign here.”

Tomlinson said: “Delighted to sign. And let me say I find your insistence on fiscal responsibility very attractive.”