Any chance you could stop being dicks? Facebook asks users

FACEBOOK has begged users to behave like vaguely normal human beings.

After fresh complaints about images on the site, Facebook has asked people to use it for keeping up with friends and family rather than stalking, needlessly antagonising strangers or generally being a weirdo.

CEO Mark Zuckerberg said: “Users should ask, ‘Is a website full of family birthday greetings really the right place for my creepy photos of unsuspecting women on the beach?’

“We’re just asking that users don’t do overtly dickish things like going to a stranger’s remembrance page and posting ‘LOLZ!!!’

“You shouldn’t be doing any of this shit in the first place, but if I’d wanted it on Facebook I would have called it something different like ‘ManiacPervertBook’.

“Oh and if teenagers could stop using Facebook to bully each other until they have to change schools that would be excellent too.”

Facebook user Martin Bishop said: “I use Facebook for staying in touch with uni friends and sharing sexually arousing pictures of carp.”

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If you loved your children you would found a free school, says government

THE government has told parents that if they really cared about their children’s education they would found their own free school. 

Education secretary Justine Greening said state school funding cuts are not an issue because parents with children at those schools clearly do not care about them or they would have done something about it. 

She continued: “How hard can it be to start a school? 

“The money’s on the table, we couldn’t care less about the national curriculum or your unorthodox religious beliefs or previous convictions or whatever. 

“If you really want your children to succeed, surely it’s not too much trouble to apply for funding, find a location, set up a governance structure, and get a few teachers on the payroll.

“It baffles me how many supposedly loving mums and dads can look into their little ones’ eyes and say ‘Sorry Timmy, we’re sending you to a shitheap compo because we’re too lazy to take advantage of opportunities in the educational marketplace.’

“It’s basically abuse. If I had my way they’d be in prison.”