Baffling decimal currency to be phased out

THE UK’s exit from the EU means the welcome return of the thru’penny bit and the half-crown, it has been confirmed.

Since 1971 Britain has laboured with a hateful foreign currency system the population has never fully understood. But that will all be forgotten next year when Britain returns to pounds, shillings and pence.

Roy Hobbs, 62, from Plaistow, said: “I can’t wait to get back to the simple old system of having twelve pennies to the shilling, twenty shillings to the pound, two groats to the farthing and six guineas to the Fahrenheit.

“Like most people I have spent four decades being utterly baffled by the European madness of decimalisation. It flies in the face of common sense and resulted in everything costing far more than it should.

“No wonder milkmen no longer whistle like they used to.”

Mary Fisher, 77,  said: “At last my grandson will be able to go out on Saturday mornings with a silver florin in his pocket and buy a furlong of liquorice and a quart of sherbet dabs for tuppence ha’penny.

“However despite leaving Europe we have not yet seen the return of opal mints, which is hugely disappointing.”

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Ask Holly: I've realised that I am the Greatest Living Evil Genius in the World

Dear Holly,

The other day I realised something rather profound, and that was that I really am the Greatest Living Evil Genius in the World; the Supreme Malicious Puppet Master of Humanity; with all you stupid British in the palm of my hand and and yet I don’t make the most of this. I’ve decided to get a sinister black uniform and a swivelly chair and a highly-strung cat who I can stroke malevolently whilst doing my evil deeds. But do you think Jerry Hall will still fancy me if I do?

Rupert M

The Secret Lair

Dear Rupert,

Whatever you do, don’t bother asking to watch Ben and Holly’s Magic Kingdom on the TV or play on the CBBC website just now, because all the grown ups have suddenly become obsessed with the news and they are hogging all devices, only looking up to argue with each other about who is responsible for the terrible mess we are in. My granny says that, long long ago, people used to educate themselves by reading books, but nowadays they just have to download the Daily Mail app and they are suddenly political geniuses with a specialism in constitutional law. Now isn’t that something?

Hope that helps,