Ban On Jolie Film Advert Much Cheaper Than Showing Jolie Film Advert

THE ban on the advert for the Angelina Jolie film Wanted will generate at least as much publicity as showing the advert but at a fraction of the cost, the producers said last night.

The Advertising Standards Authority said the TV trailer for the film's DVD release was filled with the sort of really amazing, eye-popping violence that 15 year-old boys should definitely not be allowed to see.

An ASA spokesman added: "There's this bit, right, where a bullet goes through like six different people but it's all done in slow motion so you can see it ripping through their organs and stuff. I was like 'no way'.

"And then you've got Angelina Jolie prancing about in tight clothes and making it perfectly clear that she's up for hours and hours of hot, crazy sex.

"And that's just the advert. Imagine what the film's like. If I was a 15 year-old boy I would do everything in my power to get hold of a copy. Luckily the ASA is here to protect them from all that sexy violence."

The film, a stupid series of stunts and special effects centred around Angelina Jolie's lower lip, has been described by critics as a 'roller coaster of utter tedium' and a 'heady mixture of designer violence and shitness'.

Tom Logan, one of the film's executive producers, said: "We discovered in January that while we could afford to produce an advert, we couldn't afford to screen the advert.

"Luckily I stumbled across an article about Ryanair and how they were getting the ASA to do all their publicity for them. We decided there and then to make the advert as violent as technically possible, and sure enough it worked like a charm.

"Should we send them a basket of muffins, or something?"

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Global Catastrophe Warnings Reach Monthly Quota

THE March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night.

The monthly total now stands at 240 meaning scientists, politicians, clergyman and the Daily Mail will have to apply for an extension or face a reduction in the April quota of terrifyingly apocalyptic, certain death scenarios.

It is the first real test for the quota system, established last year so that frightened citizens do not lose track of what is going to kill them by 2030.

The latest warning comes from UK government science adviser Professor John Beddington in a new research paper entitled Dragons!.

Professor Beddington said last night: "Attention, everyone. Stop what you're doing immediately and listen to me.

"Dragons! Dragons, I tell you! The sky shall be filled with them and they shall devour our crops, befoul our cattle and drink dry our lakes and ponds.

"They will hover above your house and just when you think they've gone, you'll open the curtains and there will be this great big eye staring back at you. Then the dragon will rip the roof off your house and eat you like a Creme Egg and all because you didn't listen."

Professor Beddington is calling for a multi-billion pound anti-dragon gun to be paid for by increased taxes on Range Rovers and patio heaters.

Julian Cook, a doomed 44 year-old from south London, said: "Based on this month's warnings if I don't spend money then civilisation will collapse resulting in my certain death.  But if I do spend money then the environment will collapse – whatever that means – resulting in my certain death.

"And now there's all this stuff about dragons. Fuck it, I'm getting a patio heater."