RECORD bad debts in the US home loan market will see bank profits fall from eye-poppingly obscene to unspeakably repulsive, City analysts warned last night.
Early indications suggest bank earnings in the last quarter of 2007 were down to below 'what-a-bunch-of-fucking -thieves' compared to 'and-the-pricks-still-won't- extend-my-overdraft' for the same period in 2006.
Henry Brubaker, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "Millions of buck-toothed rednecks with no credit history and a disturbing fondness for Jack Daniels were allowed to borrow 40 times their non-existent wages to buy a burnt-out toilet in a crack alley.
"Banks, being the cautious types they are, said 'no problemo, and while you're at it, get yourself a Chevy Trailblazer and a big screen TV for watching WrestleMania, you odious waste of semen'.
"'And for goodness sake don't worry about proof of earnings – we'll roll it all up into one big loan at a fantastic rate of 69.9% APR, which, trust me, is incredibly low for your sort of person'."
He added: "This strategic anomaly has led to a short-term dip in profitability and created the impression that banks are somehow ordinary, everyday businesses. Aha ha ha.
"The fact is, they control every aspect of your lives – often in ways you dare not imagine – and could, if the notion takes them, snap you in half like a dry twig."