Valentine's Sex Bid Will Fail, Says Angry Girlfriend

THE amount of money you would need to spend on gifts to get sex on Valentine's Day after you stayed out last Saturday night without explanation is so huge there is no point in you even bothering, your angry girlfriend said last night.

Nikki Hollis dismissed claims you spent the night on Steve's couch after getting so drunk with the lads that you missed the last bus home and could not remember your address for the taxi driver.

However, that slut from the office who has been sniffing around you for weeks like a bitch in heat and is now walking about with a stupid smirk on her fat little face is welcome to you, she added.

Hollis, 26, said: "If I was you I'd save your pennies because that tubby little cow looks very high-maintenance and you won't have me paying your rent any more.

"If you think you can get in my pants with that pathetic bunch of roses and a box of Thorntons like last year, then you are even more of a dick than all my friends said you were.

"A bottle of Tesco's Cava? You cheap fucking shit. Take that round to your little whore – I'm sure they'll be straight off."

Hollis stressed that you should just fuck off and leave her alone adding: "If you take fatty boom-boom to our restaurant tonight, I will come in and tear her fucking head off and use it as cocktail glass. You bastard."

Gary Degan, 26, said: "Nikki. Nik. Niks. Pleeeaaase. Let me in. I know you paid for it, but it is my Playstation."

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Heathrow Installs Roulette Wheel Luggage System

ALL luggage checked-in at Heathrow airport is to be thrown onto a giant roulette wheel in a bid to increase its chances of arriving at the correct destination. 

Under the current system bags are checked-in electronically and then transported on a computerised conveyor belt system to a central hall where they are smashed open, urinated on and then set on fire.

Airport executives claim the installation of the roulette wheel will improve the odds of your bags arriving at the same airport as you to at least 36-1.

At the same time a new customer information system means that as soon as you land in Zurich you will receive a text message telling you your luggage has arrived safely in Caracas.

Wayne Hayes, head of baggage handling at Heathrow, said: "Our new system enables us to track your luggage through every stage of the process, from when it is checked-in incorrectly, through to when it is mislaid, and then when it is finally ditched over a large body of water.

"We can tell you exactly where your luggage is at all times even though we still have no idea how any of it gets to where it does. Sometimes I think the whole place is infested with naughty elves."

He added: "Last week we had to ship a dead old lady from Alicante to Birmingham. She was finally discovered propped up in a corner in Aberdeen, but only after one of the sniffer dogs got to her first. We managed to sew the legs back on."

Holidaymaker Bill McKay said: "It's eighty degrees in the shade and I've been wearing the same pants for a week. My trousers stand up on their own when I take them off at night. WHERE. IS. MY. FUCKING. STUFF?"