Valentine’s Sex Bid Will Fail, Says Angry Girlfriend

THE amount of money you would need to spend on gifts to get sex on Valentine's Day after you stayed out last Saturday night without explanation is so huge there is no point in you even bothering, your angry girlfriend said last night.

'Stick 'em up your arse, you fucking prick'

Nikki Hollis dismissed claims you spent the night on Steve's couch after getting so drunk with the lads that you missed the last bus home and could not remember your address for the taxi driver.

However, that slut from the office who has been sniffing around you for weeks like a bitch in heat and is now walking about with a stupid smirk on her fat little face is welcome to you, she added.

Hollis, 26, said: "If I was you I'd save your pennies because that tubby little cow looks very high-maintenance and you won't have me paying your rent any more.

"If you think you can get in my pants with that pathetic bunch of roses and a box of Thorntons like last year, then you are even more of a dick than all my friends said you were.

"A bottle of Tesco's Cava? You cheap fucking shit. Take that round to your little whore – I'm sure they'll be straight off."

Hollis stressed that you should just fuck off and leave her alone adding: "If you take fatty boom-boom to our restaurant tonight, I will come in and tear her fucking head off and use it as cocktail glass. You bastard."

Gary Degan, 26, said: "Nikki. Nik. Niks. Pleeeaaase. Let me in. I know you paid for it, but it is my Playstation."