Bastard free trial renews because you forgot

THAT f**king free trial you did last month has renewed for a sum of money you did not want to pay because you forget to cancel. 

The service, which could be streaming, a food box, an online exercise thing, Amazon Prime or some app where you send photos as postcards, has taken the money already so it is too late now.

Joanna Kramer said: “‘Thank you for taking a 12-month licence for Kapersky Internet Security. £34.99 has been debited from your account.’

“The f**kers. They might as well have just said ‘Haha, you thought you wouldn’t forget but you did and now we’ve taken your money for a whole year, dickhead.’

“I should put the renewal date in my diary for 2021 right now, but I already know I won’t because of the modicum of effort involved. They’ll taunt me with marketing emails and I won’t do a thing to stop them.

“When laptops no longer exist and AI robots have taken over the world, I’ll still be paying this piece of shit anti-virus subscription.”

A Disney+ spokesman said: “Our business model is ‘you’re a lazy twat.’ We can’t lose.”

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Five ways to look less like a twat on your e-scooter

MANY people are turning to e-scooters as an alternative mode of transport. Here are five ways to look less idiotic on your overpriced adult toy-mobile.

Start an e-scooter gang

Try to normalise your e-scooter purchase by finding a group of like-minded individuals who will make you feel less weird about having shelled out an extravagant amount of money for an item more suited to a 10-year-old. You’ll still look like a twat, but you’ll have the company of other twats for comfort.

Pretend it’s a present for a child

No self-respecting adult would spend £500 on an e-scooter, so simply explain to your negative neighbours that it is a gift for a newly-discovered love child with an old flame. When you are still riding it after six months, mournfully inform them that DNA tests proved the child was not yours and you are scooting to Pret A Manger every day to try to heal.

Avoid busy roads

If a man rides an e-scooter and no one is there, does he still look like a twat? Yes, but he won’t get abuse shouted at him. You should also avoid steep inclines: gravity can be a cruel mistress when you’re a 15-stone bloke relying on a tiny electric motor.

Virtue signal about ‘the environment’

Shut down all chortles of derision by telling people you’re just doing your bit for the environment. This insinuates that, if you weren’t such a good human being, you’d be riding a big, masculine Harley-Davidson instead. No one will believe you, but at least you tried.

Buy a bicycle

Like a normal person.