Monday, 3rd August 2020

How to have a doomed summer romance during lockdown

LOCKDOWN restrictions needn’t be the death knell for your misguided romantic endeavours. Enjoy some summer lovin’ that will leave you emotionally scarred with these tips.

Join a dating app

It’s unlikely you’re going to meet anyone while standing in the socially distant queue outside Morrisons. Instead you’ll need to join terrifying dating apps where your carefully crafted profile is immediately dismissed because you’re a shade under six foot or have slightly wonky teeth.

Choose looks over personality

Summer flings are usually a great chance to shack up with a boring hottie safe in the knowledge that you can chuck them when autumn rolls around. But thanks to the sex ban you’ll have to face their dull personality head-on via Zoom without being able to get your hands on their disgustingly attractive body.

Arrange to meet up

This is when you realise there’s f**k all to do or you have little in common. They want to go to the beach but you don’t want to get infected, meanwhile you want to go on a protest but they work for the police. Call it a day and stick on some porn until a vaccine is found.

Go skinny dipping

On paper going for a naked swim sounds like the perfect way for lovers to while away these socially distanced long summer evenings. In reality your unhealthy lockdown body will go into cardiac arrest the second you enter the water or you’ll get Weil’s disease.

Resort to booty calling your ex

Once you’ve inevitably scared away other people, why not see if your ex is up for some no-strings-attached fun? They might not be because they dumped you six years ago and are married with kids now. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?