Blackberry bought by consortium of teenagers

THE makers of Blackberry have been bought by a group of British teens eager to keep their favourite hook-up network intact.

It is expected the teenagers will refocus Research In Motion on providing a cryptographically secure network for their misdemeanours.

Teenager Nikki Hollis said: “Businesses need security for their accounts, but that’s nothing compared to a group of four girls arranging to attend a party with boys present while convincing four sets of parents they’re all at each other’s houses.

“We’ve offered £3.2 billion for RIM and its assets, and if we’re outbid we’ll just ramraid it in a twocked Mini.”

CEO Tom Booker, who uses Blackberry for his business’s emails, said: “Obviously this isn’t optimal for the company, but just tell me a bit more about this sex network thing before I go cancelling any contracts.”

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Hen party debts fuelling boom in organ sales

THE spiralling cost of pre-marital celebrations is prompting Britons to sell their organs.

Wedding planner Donna Sheridan explained “There is rising pressure to put on the sort of violently debauched stag or hen party that could warrant a primetime slot on BBC3.

“Overseas extreme sports excursions, boutique paintball and visits to bars where cocktails are served in vintage gravy boats have left thousands facing financial oblivion.

“Hosts persuade guests to pay more than they can afford, promising the party of a lifetime – a meaningless expression made poignant by the consequent increase in desperate backstreet organ sales.”

Bride-to-be Nikki Hollis said “I just can’t believe my selfish bitch bridesmaids have all cancelled on me for the big day because they’re undergoing dialysis.”