Blair Sets Great Example To Children Who Want To Kill People

TONY BLAIR was today hailed as a role model for children who want to kill thousands of people when they grow up.

In a move described as both inspirational and typical, the former prime minister pledged the £4.6m advance from his novel to the victims of his shabby dishonesty and obsession with remote control violence.

Announcing his donation, Mr Blair said: “Young people need to learn that starting a war is only justifiable if you can also get someone to ghost-write a dreary book for you and then hand over all the cash you get from some fuckwit publisher.

“Leadership teaches us that as long as you are willing to donate a reasonable sum of money at some indeterminate point in the future then you are entitled to regard soldiers and the civilian populations they terrorise as little more than numbers on a page.”

Mr Blair also thanked the financial institutions and oil companies who pay him enough money to make multi-million pound publishing deals virtually irrelevant in terms of his day to day budgeting.

He added: “Without them I’d have had to get Alistair Campbell to fill this book with some of his low grade porn so I could shift enough copies to keep my wife in the goat’s blood and chicken heads to which she has become accustomed.”

And Mr Blair admitted that now he had finally sponged down his moral slate he was keen to return to high profile acts of unspeakable wickedness as soon as possible.

“I don’t have an army any more so I can’t just lay waste to some third world hell-hole and then say that Jesus made me do it.

“I suppose I could always just kick a duckling right in the face.”

The former PM also said his donation to the families of the tens of thousands of Iraqis that he killed over the phone had not yet been finalised, but would probably be in the region of precisely fuck all.


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Our Parents Won't Share Their Vodka, Kids Tell Childline

A CHILDREN’S helpline has been bombarded with calls from youngsters
claiming their parents are excluding them from impromptu afternoon

Childline said it was being contacted by over 100 children a day who said they were being left to mix their own drinks or even make do with a bottle of continental lager until their parents came home from the pub with a carry out.

Kyle, a six year-old from Doncaster, told the charity: “It’s three o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon and I’m sitting here drinking fucking sherry while they’re necking peach flavoured vodka and passing round a big bowl of pills.

“My mummy says I’m too young for an afternoon vodka party and that I should drink my sherry in a one-er and then go and play with the gas barbecue until it’s time for gin and tonics.”

He added: “Make them give me vodka or I’ll set fire to Esther Rantzen.”

Meanwhile some children have complained that their parents can no longer drink as much as they used to.

Four year-old Gemma Logan wrote to Childline saying: “My Dad can’t handle his booze any more. Last week we split a bottle of Glenmorangie and were having a really interesting discussion about politics until he started getting all maudlin and tearful.

“If he keeps killing my buzz, can I go and live with a new family?”

Childcare expert, Dr Helen Archer, said: “A lot of parents ask me ‘when is the best time to start giving my children alcohol or drugs?’. And of course the answer is almost always never.

“Unless of course you think they can handle it, in which case start them off with half a Chinese spangle or mix a large glass of good quality Calvados into their squeezy cheese.”