Blue Riband is the traitor's biscuit, say Brexiters

LEAVE voters have furiously turned on Blue Riband chocolate wafer biscuits to avoid losing face over Brexit.

After it was announced that the biscuits would be made in Poland due to rising costs, Brexit supporters agreed that anyone purchasing them should face the death penalty for treason.

Sales manager Nikki Hollis said: “I only like good, patriotic British biscuits. You don’t see custard creams running away at the first sign of trouble.

“In years to come, ‘wearing a Blue Riband’ will mean the same as traitor. Today it’s just eating a slightly bland chocolate wafer, tomorrow they’ll be blowing up railway bridges.

“Strange, because I always thought Trios would be the quislings. Because they’re red, and red things hate freedom.”

Builder Roy Hobbs said: “When I heard the news I immediately ran to the biscuit cupboard and started stamping on the Blue Ribands in a fit of patriotism.

“Then I realised that was inappropriate, and instead tied them to sticks in the back garden and executed them with my air rifle in an impromptu ‘biscuit firing squad’.”





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Woman shunned by friends after asking for low-key hen do

A BRIDE-TO-BE who wanted a couple of drinks instead of a burlesque dance class, artisan gin tasting and weekend in Budapest has been branded selfish by her friends.

33-year-old Emma Bradshaw outraged her peers by requesting a hen party that was a simple night out without any flights, fancy dress, spa treatments or male strippers.

Joanna Kramer said: “I’ve known Emma for years, but this is really testing our friendship.

“The last time I was a bridesmaid I had to fly to Vegas, hire a convertible, and pay a deposit for a helicopter flight that everyone was too hungover to go on. Now that’s a hen do.

“A couple of drinks and a nightclub? Does she honestly think any of her friends will be happy with that? Where’s the commitment?

“I keep hoping she’ll say it’s just a joke, and of course we’re spending four days in Ibiza with a non-optional parasailing trip, but it seems she’s intent on making a mockery of a much-loved institution.”

Bradshaw said: “And also, would it be okay to have no penis-shaped balloons, straws, or deely-boppers? No? Too far? Too far.”