Boss demands successful viral for boring project

A BOSS has demanded that his staff create a wildly successful viral video for a boring business idea.

Bill McKay, managing director of Midlands-based Premier Boiler Services, has instructed his staff to produce a worldwide video hit to promote his idea for a customer loyalty card.

Office administrator Emma Bradford said: “Bill came into the office yesterday and said ‘We need one of those virals and it needs to get a billion hits’.

“He’d obviously read something about viral marketing, but unfortunately he didn’t tell us what this massively popular video would actually be.

“I might balance my cat on the toilet and film him, which would be funny because cats don’t use human toilets. Also Ian the accounts guy reckons he can get his three-year-old to sing Footloose by Kenny Loggins.

“The problem is, I don’t think you can plan a viral thing. They just sort of happen because there are a lot of idiots who like watching shit.

“I suppose like most businesses we can just do whatever then congratulate ourselves simply because something happened.”

Other ideas suggested by the de facto creative team included a domino marathon, a child being punched in the face by a monkey and “someone with their shoes on fire, like, hopping around”.

McKay said: “All we need to do is think of a completely original idea that millions of people will find hilarious. How hard can that be?”

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Skateboard not a mode of transport

ADULT skateboarders have been urged to stop pretending a plank on wheels can get them from A to B.

The Institute for Studies found that skateboards are effectively useless for even short trips to the shops, and that anyone pretending to undertake a journey on one is just showing off.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Skateboards are fine for stunts and general titting around, but they are not vehicles.

“Firstly, hills. There are lots of them in this country and they make travelling any distance on something that is gravity-based very difficult.

“Also pavements are full of pedestrians and roads are full of cars, both of which are hostile towards people standing on bits of wood.

“Travelling to work on one is a terrible idea unless you live at the top of a steep incline and your office is at the bottom.”

31-year-old web designer Julian Cook commutes on his skateboard: “Yes, I have to keep getting on and off it, but I get lots of attention.

“Mostly shouts of ‘wanker’ and ‘cock’ but hey, it’s better than being inconspicuous.

“The hardest part is trying not to look self-conscious while riding, even though I can’t stop thinking about how cool I am.”