Brexiter delighted his corner shop taken over by miserable British bastard

A BREXITER is glad that the pleasant Polish couple who used to run his local convenience store have been replaced by a surly British bastard.

As EU nationals flock to leave the UK, Martin Bishop thoroughly approves of the new proprietorship of Roy Hobbs, who hates all customers and his chosen career equally.

Office worker Bishop said: “I’m not racist but it’s nice to hear an English voice when you’re buying overpriced bog roll in a local institution like Bargain Mini-Mart.

“The prices have gone up, there’s frequent stock shortages, the opening hours have been cut dramatically and he looks right through you as if you’re less than nothing, but he’s definitely British.

“Karol and Krista who used to run the shop were very friendly. Too friendly. I feel Roy improves the sense of community when he’s ignoring customers and looking at hardcore porn on his phone.

“Roy’s really helping with our social cohesion, apart from when he calls an elderly woman a ‘coffin-dodging old sow’ because she’s taking too long to find the right change.”

Hobbs said: “Are you going to buy that fucking Mars bar or just look at it?”

Record collector who sees difference between 'Near Mint' and 'Very Good' will never find true love

A RECORD collector who sees a noticeable difference ‘Near Mint’ and ‘Very Good’ is destined to always be alone, it has been confirmed.

Martin Bishop, from Swindon, recently bought a copy of After the Gold Rush by Neil Young online after seeing it was listed as ‘Near Mint’ only to find small creases along the spine and a slight crackle on some of the songs.

Bishop said: “It is a big deal.”

He now plans to post negative feedback about the seller, Tom Logan to save any other future record buyers the same heart break.

Bishop added: “I’m helping the record buying community as a whole by leaving this negative feedback and my wife agrees with me.

“And by wife I mean my mint condition copy of Pet Sounds that if you so much as look at I’ll hit you with a chair.

“Either that or I’ll just leave negative feedback about you somewhere online.”