TOURIST attractions in the UK must redouble their efforts to stop the place being overrun by foreigners, officials have warned.
As the latest Lonely Planet guide dismissed the country as overpriced and uninspiring, tourism authority Visit Britain asked the publishers not to forget it is also bastard freezing most of the time too.
They have now requested that the cover for the UK guide be a photograph of a teenager being listlessly fingered in a Carlisle bus depot and for the prose to be re-written by a provincial insurance salesman.
A Visit Britain spokesman said: “We’ll discourage every last fat, rucksack-wearing shit from strolling along the train platform while I’m trying to get to cocking work, even if it means raising the prices at Tussaud’s to £300 to look at a replica Alan Titchmarsh.
“To be fair, the North has been doing a cracking job for years by being insanely dangerous and filled with dialects while East Anglia is essentially a giant pond full of things that might leap out and try to fuck you at any second.
“But some of Britain is actually quite pretty, so we’ve had to fill those parts with bleak mediocrity-bunkers posing as B&Bs that charge a week’s wages to sleep in a stained cot that smells like damp from the 1950s.”
Further discouragement will include a new visa requirement for tourists to watch an hour of regional television from any part of Britain they intend to visit, as well as being kept on the plane until they have read a whole Melanie Phillips column.
The spokesman added: “It’s actually a shame all those lives were lost defending us from invasion during the war, because I think even the most determined megelomaniac would lose heart by the time they got to Maidstone.”