Britain is our bitch, says Goldman Sachs

BRITAIN is Goldman Sach’s bitch and Goldman Sach’s bitch better have its money, it has been confirmed.

The investment bank said it did not want none of our smart-mouthed bullshit and we better pony up with the green or we be hurting real bad.

Looking so fine in its new coat, Goldman Sachs added: “Those muthafuckas at HMRC know who’s da shit.

“They don’t be disrespectin’ my balance sheet with all tax and shit. They see me in ma muthafuckin’ Mercedes all pimped and rockin’ and they know who da man is.

“They be all like ‘hey Goldman Sachs, you so fine, you tell me what you need brutha’. I like dat.

“An investment banking brutha like me has gots to have respect. I gots to show these muthafuckas how my shit goes down.

“So when I comes into the house and I say ‘hey Britain, take my fine new coat and fix me a sweet-ass muthafuckin’ pina colada’ you know Britain be all ‘yessir Mr Goldman Sachs sir, I’ll take your coat and fix your drink and then I’ll blow you real nice’. I like dat.”

A Treasury spokesman said: “You crazy? You won’t get me to say nuthin’ bad about Goldman Sachs. I ain’t no goddamn fool.”

Goldman Sachs added: “Damn right. They knows that if I gets angry I mights just up and move my sweet ass to Hong Kong. Get me some Asian bitches.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Beach Boys reunion spells defeat for Beach Boys fans

FANS of iconic ’60s group the Beach Boys have admitted defeat in their battle to stop them reforming.

The band’s iconic sound was a fusion of 60s surf, hippy imagery and a general sunny optimism that pretended the Vietnam war was fictional.

But now fans fear that any new material will be about how messed up the modern world is but how love is the answer, or how we used to be crazy in our youth, but being crazy can be good sometimes.

Fears have already been raised after tour organisers revealed that Brian Wilson ‘has written some new stuff about vegetables’.

A spokesman said: “Al Jardine has been playing around with autotune for some months now, he really digs it. Will. I. Am is interested in producing for them.”  

Die-hard Beach Boys fan Susan Traherne said: “Everyone wants to see the Beach boys back to peak 1966 form, when Pet Sounds changed popular music until the next thing that changed it.

“Unfortunately, that’s not how the universe works, and what we’ll get is five elderly men in Hawaiian shirts, looking at their watches.

“We can only pray they are not working on something called Return to Kokomo.”