Wenger admits Arsenal cannot win 1980 cup final

ARSENE Wenger has conceded that his team is now unlikely to win the FA Cup final that took place almost 32 years ago.

The Arsenal manager has admitted to the club’s board that with his current squad he does not feel able to travel three decades back in time and destroy Trevor Brooking.

He is now turning his attention to the faster than light neutrino research at the CERN Institute to see if it can assist him in bettering a fourth-place finish in the 1979-80 Division One championship.

Wenger said: “We are still developing as a team and have a lot of young, promising players but I think it’s time to admit we can’t stop Trevor Brooking scoring an unlikely header from the edge of the six yard box.

“We have been very unlucky with the linear nature of time and the lack of a brutal dictator in England for the last three decades willing to rewrite history in Arsenal’s favour.

“But it would need a Michael Thomas-style miracle to win the ’80 cup final given that there is now minus 16,611,840 minutes to go.”

Arsenal are still holding out hopes for their chances in the 1986 New Faces talent show final against Duggie Small, hotly-tipped by bookies to win because he did, 25 years ago.

But Wenger said he would now focus on building a team around a combination of Gervinho’s fascinating forehead and the comedy stylings of Van Persie’s insistence he won’t leave the club as soon as Manchester City send a taxi for him.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tax breaks to encourage two people to fantasise about killing each other

THE government is to introduce tax breaks that will encourage two people to draw up elaborate plans for murder.

Despite Lib Dem unease, prime minister David Cameron is to press ahead with the policy, insisting families need both parents to dream about dissolving each other’s bodies in the bath.

A Downing Street source said: “A strong society needs strong families where the mother and father have made a solemn commitment to each other that will slowly evolve into a constant exchange of threat and counter-threat that is underpinned by a deep, homicidal loathing.

“Drug-ridden one parent households or families with unmarried parents who ‘live together’ can never provide the sort of environment that is full of places to hide the body until one night you manage to sneak it into the boot of your car and drive it to a lake.

“By allowing hate-filled couples to keep more of their earnings we can ensure they have enough money to fly to central America or bribe the chap who operates the car crushing machine.”

Meanwhile, self-styled ‘deputy prime minister’ Nick Clegg was warned not to compare the policy to an idealised 1950s lifestyle because right now the 1950s sound not too bad.

Stephen Malley, professor of 1950s comparisons at Roehampton University, said: “Full employment and the promise of great music and sexual liberation as opposed to economic doom, a Joe McElderry Christmas album and everyone being too drunk to have proper sex.”

The move follows the prime minister’s declaration that Britain is a ‘Christian country’ though experts said that is probably based on the number of people who say things like ‘Jesus Fucking Christ on a bike’ or ‘For Christ’s sake shut the fuck up, you cock-faced, right-wing bastard’.

Helen Archer, author of It’s Not Called the Conservative Party by Accident, urged the Lib Dems to just get on with it, adding:  “I would rather pay a six per cent yield on our government debt than have another 24 hours of this pandering, Anne Widdecombe-in-trousers bullshit.”