CASH-STRAPPED Britons have announced plans to heat their homes by incinerating energy bosses.
A huge steel burner will be constructed somewhere near Chester, into which the key players in Britain’s ongoing gas and electricity swindle will be lured with trails of low-denomination bank notes leading from the front porches of their thousand-bedroom country piles straight into its maw.
Energy customer Tom Logan said: “The incinerator is disguised as a bank vault that’s been accidentally left open. It is lined with straw, firelighters and shredded copies of leaflets advertising something called the ‘Friends Forever 9000 Happy Complicated Tariff’.
“Soon as the bosses are in there, we toss in a lighted match, slam the door and watch through the viewing portholes until their eyes melt.
“Apparently a single smouldering executive from the ‘big six’ gives off enough energy to illuminate every home in Basingstoke for a fortnight.
“Even if that isn’t true it’ll still be fun to try it.”
News of the plan emerged shortly after British Gas announced its first massive price hike for over a day, with the rest of Britain’s energy cabal expect to follow suit because they are similarly fine with the idea of having a larger – as opposed to a smaller – amount of money.
An energy industry spokesman said: “We are facing rocketing costs and consequently have little choice but to increase prices, just as we reduced them when wholesale prices fell.
“Actually that only happened in a parallel dimension, but anyway.
“Overall it’s a massive shag trying to eke a few hundred million out of this business these days, we really only do it because we like you, we’d be much better off with a little stall selling ethnic-influenced ceramics at provincial markets.”
Teacher Emma Bradford said: “Whoever introduced the word ‘tariff’ into my vocabulary deserves to die, regardless of the energy benefits.”