Britain’s soulless and generic high streets under threat

BRITAIN’S rows of tedious and depressing chain shops are under threat from online retailers.

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Massive shop owners claim the high street should be treated like an endangered tiger because of the invention of websites that you don’t have to drag your arse around on a Saturday.

Tom Booker of Watford said: “Puzzlingly I always felt that the high street should be grateful to me for buying stuff in it, as opposed to having my sympathy.

“But apparently I should have more compassion for highly profitable multinational conglomerates like New Look. Perhaps I should do a sponsored swim.”

Chef Carolyn Ryan said: “It’s terrifying to think that unless we act fast, our children will never know a world of mobile phone shops, Greggs and Clinton Cards.”

Mary Portas, speaking from beneath her haircut, said: “If the high street collapses then Britain’s towns will no longer be the completely homogenous parade of brand names that we grew up with.

“Please, go to River Island and buy a glittery top now. Before it’s too late.”