British Gas smart meter switches all your stuff on when you’re not there

BRITISH Gas ‘smart meters’ wait until you go out and then switch on all your appliances.

The meters have been programmed to waste as much electricity as possible at the most expensive time of the day.

Consumer expert, Martin Bishop, said: “If you were to sneak back into your house you would find the telly and the stereo on full blast, the kettle boiling, the oven on and an empty washing machine on a repeating spin cycle.

“But you wouldn’t be able to sneak back because the smart meter knows exactly where you are and switches everything off just before you come home.”

He added: “British Gas is now working on a new meter that will erase all the stuff on your Sky+ box, then send you a text message telling you not only what it has done but that you can also go fuck yourself.”

Jane Thompson, who has a smart meter installed in her Stevenage home, said: “It does feel that the house is now possessed by an ancient spirit that wants to steal from me.”


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Russia angers West by recognising Villas-Boas as a football manager

RUSSIA has heightened tensions with the UK by supporting Andre Villas-Boas’s claim to be a football coach.

The news that Zenit Saint Petersburg had employed Villas-Boas as manager has been condemned as a ‘clear act of provocation’ by foreign secretary William Hague.

Hague said: “While a small minority does see Villas-Boas as a coach, appointing him as Zenit boss achieves nothing except to isolate Russia and diminish its place in the world.

“To be willing to sabotage an innocent club just to make this kind of political statement without thinking about the people it will hurt is shocking.”

While Russia claims that Villas-Boas’ time at Chelsea and Tottenham is evidence of a coaching career, the West insists that no obvious football tactics were used during his time at either club.