Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re surprised to read that Courtney Love can apparently locate a plane in an entire ocean but still can’t find a tune with both hands and a torch.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Songs are always telling us to reach for the stars, but somehow it’s still your fault when you’re arrested outside a film premiere.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You wake up and the smell the coffee. You live alone. WHO IS MAKING COFFEE IN YOUR KITCHEN?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Congratulations – getting all the spaces stamped on your STD clinic loyalty card gets you a free test on the house.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No, I don’t think working in a firework factory allows you to give your job description as ‘rocket scientist’, actually.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This weekend, why not go to a maternity ward waiting room and tell the bloke next to you you’ll pay for the kid’s shoes if it comes out looking like you?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Time to start booking your summer holiday where you’ll sit on a beach doing fuck all rather than at your desk doing fuck all.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your shoes have gone past the point of odour eaters and have reached the stage of ‘arms limitation treaty’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You doubt your new girlfriend when she says the type of dance she does for a living is ‘ballet’ when she buys a round of drinks from a pint pot full of loose change.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Police stubbornly refuse to believe you’re practising parkour when they find you on a first-storey windowsill of a terraced house at three in the morning.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re always the first to get a round in at the pub because you need to neck your drink and scarper before they notice you’ve tried to pay with a Nectar card.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The chances of you finding happiness this week (4, 3)

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Welsh weather explained to TripAdvisor beach judges

THE TripAdvisor judges who rated a Welsh beach as one of the world’s top ten are being educated on the country’s weather.

Rhossili Bay, near Swansea, beat beaches in Cuba, Brazil, Hawaii, Greece and various other locations where it doesn’t piss it down every August.

Swansea resident Francesca Johnson said: “I concede that on a blazing hot July day, the Rhossili beach could be briefly likened to such exotic locations. But such a day will never, ever come.

“Rhossili Bay is in Wales. It is shrouded in drizzle when not battered by vicious storms. And the golden sand, while lovely, is usually being blown into your face with enough force to strip flesh.”

Travel writer Joseph Turner agreed: “Context is key. Mere feet from Brazil’s Lopes Mendes beach, a grinning barman slices fresh limes to make you a mojito while hypnotising thong-clad bottoms sashay past.

“In Wales, by contrast, a pub that still adheres to the licensing laws of the 1940s will charge you £8.90 for a J2O while feral teenagers push your car into the sea.

“And nowhere can be considered a paradise if to reach it one has to travel through Port Talbot.”

A TripAdvisor judge said: “The ‘dragon’ thing caused some confusion, we thought Wales was an Indonesian island like Komodo.

“In future we shall stick to what we’re good at – passive aggressive reviews and counter-reviews about creepy bed and breakfasts.”