NEW legislation threatens to stop landlords running a five-bed in Willesden as if it were North Korea and they Kim Jong-un. Here we answer your landlord queries.
Can I still evict tenants on the basis of a difference of opinion vis-à-vis their faces?
This sacred right, which has been held by landlords since the English Reformation, has been taken away by the Renters (Reform) Bill. It is no longer legally watertight to end a tenancy based on a bulbous nose, protuberant ears or an impertinent smile.
How can I evict them then?
Shamefully, landlords who have enjoyed unchallenged powers of eviction since the Magna Carta are forced to exploit loopholes such as fixed-period tenancies, lying about damage or simply doubling rent. These will be effective but will not feel as good.
Do I have to do repairs now?
On no account commit to repairs. Technically a legal requirement, such laws were never intended to be enforced. Properties are rented ‘as is’ and it is the tenant’s responsibility to assess issues that may develop later, such as flooding, rat infestation or semi-collapse.
Can I still turn down benefits claimants?
Yes. Officially no, but all landlords know you only have to look at them to identify a scrounger. Put your ‘No DSS’ sign away with your father’s ‘No Blacks, Irish or Dogs’ sign and continue to be just as discriminatory as previously while not openly admitting it.
Do I have to let them keep pets?
Ridiculous isn’t it? How can a pet keep a pet? Does a dog have a goldfish? But yes, in theory, the human pets in your property are allowed to replicate their confinement in miniature. In practice simply enter the property at night and dispose of the animal.
Can I still keep the deposit?
Of course you can. The ‘deposit’, as it is archaically termed, is a gift or dowry awarded to a landlord for the privilege of paying his mortgage. Tenants would be deeply offended if it or any portion of it were returned, especially if there were undetected grease-marks in the loft.
