Can I still make people homeless if they look at me funny? Your landlord questions answered

NEW legislation threatens to stop landlords running a five-bed in Willesden as if it were North Korea and they Kim Jong-un. Here we answer your landlord queries.

Can I still evict tenants on the basis of a difference of opinion vis-à-vis their faces?

This sacred right, which has been held by landlords since the English Reformation, has been taken away by the Renters (Reform) Bill. It is no longer legally watertight to end a tenancy based on a bulbous nose, protuberant ears or an impertinent smile.

How can I evict them then?

Shamefully, landlords who have enjoyed unchallenged powers of eviction since the Magna Carta are forced to exploit loopholes such as fixed-period tenancies, lying about damage or simply doubling rent. These will be effective but will not feel as good.

Do I have to do repairs now?

On no account commit to repairs. Technically a legal requirement, such laws were never intended to be enforced. Properties are rented ‘as is’ and it is the tenant’s responsibility to assess issues that may develop later, such as flooding, rat infestation or semi-collapse.

Can I still turn down benefits claimants?

Yes. Officially no, but all landlords know you only have to look at them to identify a scrounger. Put your ‘No DSS’ sign away with your father’s ‘No Blacks, Irish or Dogs’ sign and continue to be just as discriminatory as previously while not openly admitting it.

Do I have to let them keep pets?

Ridiculous isn’t it? How can a pet keep a pet? Does a dog have a goldfish? But yes, in theory, the human pets in your property are allowed to replicate their confinement in miniature. In practice simply enter the property at night and dispose of the animal.

Can I still keep the deposit?

Of course you can. The ‘deposit’, as it is archaically termed, is a gift or dowry awarded to a landlord for the privilege of paying his mortgage. Tenants would be deeply offended if it or any portion of it were returned, especially if there were undetected grease-marks in the loft.

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Transformers: The mad bigot's guide to TV shows that have been grooming kids since the 80s

THINK Transformers is harmless? The clue’s in the name. Here Roy Hobbs speaks for the increasing number of paranoid weirdos who think everyone’s trying to sexualise your kids.


You may only have become aware of the Pride flag recently, but it’s been indoctrinating kids for decades, hidden in such plain sight on Rainbow. They may as well have called it It’s Great Being a Poof. An effeminate hippo, a bear – which is gay language for hairy blokes – and a sentient gimp mask are living with a grown man. If that’s the ‘gay lifestyle’, no thanks!


My grandson says it’s a cool show about robots, but at the age of six he doesn’t have my years of experience spending too much time on loony Facebook pages. Kids think it’s fun to see a lorry turn into Optimus Prime, but they won’t be laughing when they’ve been ‘trans-formed’ into a woman by having their tackle chopped off. Or left on so they can scare real ladies in the M&S changing rooms, which is every single transgender’s main hobby. 

Bugs Bunny dressed a girl

Did you know that when drag queens aren’t doing perverted performances like lip-syncing to pop songs they’re forcing JK Rowling to make children cry with her ‘transphobic’ tweets? But the truth is, children have been indoctrinated into drag for years – take Bugs Bunny dressed as a girl. Those cartoons should be destroyed, and not just because they make me feel strange in my groin area.

The Muppets and Sesame Street

Jim Henson is held up as some sort of hero, but the man was utterly depraved. A pig and a frog having sex? What sort of twisted mind comes up with that? And don’t even get me started on Bert and Ernie. I’ve even heard rumours about Beaker and Dr Bunsen, which I don’t believe as gay men never wear glasses. That’s a scientific fact.


Quite rightly there was outrage at the time that a non-gender-defined alien creature carried a handbag. It should have been banned instantly and every child who’d watched it taken to a re-education camp to wash the filth from their mind. Did that happen? No. Instead, David Beckham wore a sarong, masculinity was completely destroyed forever and the next Labour government will be putting gay sex hormones in the tap water. I’d give up and kill myself if it wasn’t for my important work saving the kiddies.