Why am I picking fruit? Cause and effect made simple for Brexiters

THERE’S now a desperate shortage of fruit pickers and lorry drivers, and if there was any justice in the world Brexiters would have to do it. For their benefit, here’s how cause and effect work.

The basics

In its simplest form, causality is the idea that one event causes another. So if you vote to stop crucial workers coming here, it might stop crucial workers coming here. What do you mean, you’re confused already? 

What does cause and effect have to with fruit and lorries?

You know strawberries? They don’t spontaneously materialise in cartons in Tesco. A process known as ‘being picked’ causes them to get there. Also, Brexit has made it not worth the grief for foreign lorry drivers to come here. That’s a negative effect. All the anti-foreigner ranting and Union Jacks making it look as if the National Front was about to take over didn’t help either. 

And don’t just say ‘We can all grow our own fruit and veg’ like you did during the entire 2016 Brexit campaign. We can’t and we’re all tired of that bullshit.

Believe it or not, there’s a link between people saying something is a terrible idea and it being a terrible idea

More cause and effect. When informed people warn against the grave folly of doing something, there’s usually a reason. For example, a highly qualified doctor will rarely recommend sawing your own leg off. However, applying Brexit logic, common sense tells you only having one leg would save time in the shower, so where’s that rusty hacksaw?  

Why am I picking fruit? I don’t like it

As the British economy atrophies and job opportunities are drastically reduced until all that’s available is fruit and veg picking, you may be forced to do it. Or Job Centre Plus may simply threaten to cut off your Universal Credit if you don’t start picking asparagus at 6am. Still, Brexiters are always wanking on about honest graft, so you’re probably volunteering already. Oh, you’re not. How odd.

Knowing less than f**k all causes problems

These Brexit beliefs are all wrong and have caused problems: it’s easier to trade with Australia than Europe; Britain can ignore modern trade rules and act like it’s the Opium Wars; incredible weirdos like Johnson and Rees-Mogg would magically become great statesman in service of Brexit. There are many, many more. It’s not just stupid, it’s hilariously stupid – until you wonder what millions of Brexiters will vote for next. Spending our entire GDP on a Death Star? Where’s the problem? It didn’t take long to build in Return of the Jedi

The Aristotelian view of cause and effect

Aristotle wrote extensively on cause and effect, but we’ll totally ignore that because it’s (A) either pointless ‘book learning’ if you’re a white van type, or (B) elitist rubbish from Britain’s Marxist universities who also offer BAs in Wokeness & Gender Bender Studies, if you’re a Daily Express reader. Also in your view Aristotle is a foreign bastard who should be sent to Rwanda if he tries to come here in a dinghy.

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'They had to remove it from my arse in A&E': insanely personal information strangers just come out and share

COLLEAGUE? Friend of a friend? Stranger in the street? Why would they just come out and tell you this shit? 

Their oral sex habits

If Janine isn’t into swallowing her boyfriend’s semen, fine with you. If he accidentally jizzed in her eye, that’s unfortunate. Neither is something you mention to a new co-worker you’ve only known for two days, in the canteen, over a yoghurt.

Ailments ripe for juvenile mockery

We’re all theoretically adults. Even so, you personally wouldn’t tell your girlfriend’s best mate’s boyfriend about your constipation by saying in utter seriousness, ‘it’s like trying to shit out a baby rhino’. How can you possibly not take the piss of that behind his back for life?

Their f**ked-up domestic arrangements

Something like: her husband hates sleeping in the same bed as another person, so he’ll stay at his sister’s all week then come over for sex on Saturday, but kip in the conservatory and go back on Sunday. You want to say: ‘That’s really odd, actually, Clare.’ But in one of life’s many injustices then they’d think you were a bastard.

A good porno they’ve seen

Watch it; don’t talk about it. Except for some reasons the watchers of the vilest filth are compelled to unburden themselves by describing it, blow-by-blow, while repairing your guttering. Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania has its detractors but given the choice you’d hear about that from a disembodied voice up a ladder.

Sexual adventurism gone wrong

Visited A&E after excessively enthusiastic anal? Boyfriend got a marble stuck up his urethra? These stories are for an audience of one extremely close friend or an arena watching stand-up, and nothing between. But it seems the bloke you’re outside the pub having a fag with disagrees.

Unhinged acts of revenge

Her boyfriend was cheating, so she did what any normal person would do and shat in the glove compartment of his Audi. Wronged or not, this commitment to revenge marks her out as a loony, and the disgusting impracticality of it makes ‘So I popped his kids’ pet rabbit on to boil…’ seem positively well-balanced.