Cash in hand way better than 'rights'

CASH-IN-HAND payments are way better than sick pay, pension rights and all that other nonsense, tradesmen have confirmed. 

As the government attempts to frame a crackdown on cash payments as ‘protecting workers’, electricians, plumbers and gardeners have replied that thick wedges of money are all the protection they need.

Builder Roy Hobbs said: “It’s true I don’t get holiday pay, but then what do they get? 28 days a year? I spend longer than that in my place in Barbados, and then there’s Disney World to consider.

“Yes, I’m not protected if I have a dispute with an employer, so when it happens I have to cover myself by steal enough materials from him to construct a three-bedroom detached.

“Don’t worry about me and my pension, Theresa love. I’m putting plenty away, and then there’s my properties. Those eight monthly rents will bridge the gap in my old age. Or is it nine?

“And it’s not all about the bottom line. There’s just something marvellous about the freedom of being given £1,250 in notes and knowing you get to keep fucking all of it.”

Hobbs added: “Abolish paper money if you like. I may be 58, but you would not believe how fast I’ll get into bitcoin.”

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Lake District 'up itself' since gaining World Heritage status, say other National Parks

THE Lake District has gone right up itself since gaining World Heritage status, England’s other beauty spots have agreed. 

The 912 square mile national park is the first in the country to receive the accolade, putting it alongside the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall of China and Machu Picchu, as it has been quick to remind everybody.

Nearby rival the Peak District said: “Christ. As if it wasn’t full of itself enough already.

“Do you know the shit I put up with about Wordsworth and Coleridge and Beatrix fucking Potter? And now it’s all acting like it’s on first-name terms with the pyramids of Giza.”

Canterbury Cathedral, a World Heritage Site since 1988, said: “I’ve been in continuous use for more than 1,400 years, rebuilt three times, survived earthquakes, fires, and Henry VIII, and I’m supposedly on the same level as some puddles in Cumbria?

“Three words, bitch: Barrow-in-Furness.

“World Heritage Shithole, more like.”