Cash machine expects pat on the back for not charging you

A CITY centre cash machine is expecting gratitude and thanks for not charging users £1.50 a time to take out their own money. 

The Leeds ATM believes that bearing the legend ‘Free Cash Withdrawals’ puts it on much the same level as Florence Nightingale, or perhaps Nelson Mandala.

It said: “I just give and give. That’s all I can do.

“I’m not like those mercenary, capitalist cash machines in the late-night shops that demand a cut of the deal. I guess I was just made with a bigger heart.”

Picture framer Thomas Logan said: “I’m allowed to get my own cash, totally free? Wow. There is still some decency in the world.

“I just wish I could leave a tip, as thanks. Just to give it a little something for itself for all the hard work it does allowing me access to my own frigging money.”

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Britain gets up, opens curtains to pitch blackness, and knows summer was just a dream

THE UK has awoken, opened the curtains to windows that are nothing but rectangles of darkness, and realised that summer was just a silly dream. 

The darkness, which will soon be there to greet the country the moment it finishes work as well as first thing, has reminded Britain that long, lazy days in the sunshine have never, ever happened.

Helen Archer of Harrogate said: “You know those dreams that almost seem real? Until you’re like, of course that didn’t actually take place. I’d remember.

“In the dream I would wake up and the sun would have been shining for hours, and it’d still be shining when I got home and I’d drink prosecco on the decking and feel happy.

“But the moment you start thinking about it properly, it falls apart. How could the windows be anything other than the blackness of an unplugged TV? It’s ridiculous.

“No, it’s an endless vista of blackness punctuated only by the occasional grey, rainswept lunchtime for me. And that’s fine. That’s Britain.”