Puppy going to f**k you up

A NEW puppy is absolutely not play-fighting, it has been revealed.

Retriever pup Wayne Hayes has been charming family members with a series of feeble bites that they refer to as ‘nips’, but the two-month-old is actually not fucking about.

Hayes said: “I am a wild beast and I will end these sons of human bitches.  

“I can hardly stand to look at their idiotic laughing faces, cooing at me and saying my name in that patronising tone.”

He added: “It is so fucking on.”

Hayes is currently unaware of plans to neuter him, which will only serve to intensify his rage-filled and vengeful nature.