Ed Sheeran’s arm breaks itself

ED SHEERAN’S right arm has broken itself in a desperate attempt to save the world from his music. 

The arm seized the opportunity of a cycling accident to fracture its own wrist and its left neighbour’s elbow, and said it only wished it could do more.

It continued: “I have bought the world a little time. That’s all.

“I was trying for a compound fracture of the radius and ulna, something which could take a year or more to heal, but at the last-minute my instinct for self-preservation kicked in, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.

“Still, three months at the rate he churns them out it’ll stop him from penning at least six singles from Justin Bieber, Rita Ora and any given two from One Direction, so there’s that comfort.

“What choice did I have? If it’s mutilating myself or playing Galway Girl again, then it’s no sacrifice at all.”