Cereal cafe exactly the sort of irritating nonsense you wish you’d thought of

A CAFE specialising in cereal is the sort of maddening hipster idiocy you would be up to if they hadn’t come up with it first.

The opening of a London establishment serving bowls of obscure American cereal has provoked anger and sadness from people trapped in office jobs.

31-year-old sales administrator Tom Booker said: “Fucking hipsters, with their beards and layered irony.

“Why do they have to keep fetishising things in a potentially lucrative way that pre-empts any similar ideas I may have had?

“Somewhere on a bit of A4 office paper I had scribbled the business name ‘Aurora Cerealis’ but of course I never did anything about it and now I will die in this cubicle without ever being featured in a magazine.”

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Easier to just assume someone from UKIP has said something offensive this week

BRITONS should save time reading news articles by assuming a UKIP politician has recently made some offensive remarks, it has been claimed.

Following the resignation of UKIP candidate Kerry Smith over comments about Chinese people and homosexuals, researchers found that this sort of thing just keeps happening so you don’t need the specifics.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Every week, a sallow UKIP man aged between 30 and 55 in a bad cheap suit or a bad expensive suit is going be in hot water for using 80s playground terminology about some section of society.

“After an initial bit of grovelling they will have to bugger off, because thankfully we do not yet live in a society where that sort of thing is fine.

“Reading about these things one feels a mixture of contempt, pity and fear, none of which are positive emotions. So don’t bother and spend that time in a park, feeding the birds and squirrels.”