Children who see Muppet movie want even more stuff

THE new Muppet movie is stoking children’s desire for even more cheaply made plastic things, it has been confirmed.

The film, starring Jim Henson’s loveable gang of fuzzy puppets, is sending young audiences into a consumerist frenzy in exactly the way the Disney Corporation meant it to.

But critics have attacked the film claiming it has demonised the idea of not wanting all the toys in the world right now.

Stephen Malley, from the left wing thank tank Rectos, said: “It is teaching children to hate not having a Kermit the Frog lunchbox, a Miss Piggy under fives make-up set or a Scooter scooter.

“In the last week in London alone, 14 parents were beaten to within an inch of their lives because they did not take their children directly from the cinema to the Disney Store.

“One child was found standing over his semi-conscious father, beating him across the head with a junior cricket bat and shouting, ‘get the fucking money! get the fucking money!’.”

Helen Archer, a mother of two from Peterborough, said: “My six year-old had been working particularly hard on her writing skills so she was able to sit in the cinema and make a list if all the things she wanted.

“When I asked her who her favourite character was she said ‘Tex Richman, because he has loads of stuff and he gets the fucking job done’.

“She said Kermit should ‘occupy a blender’.”

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Fulham fans 'fainted dead away'

FULHAM fans took one of their turns last night.

Liverpool player Luis Suarez made a ghastly gesture towards the supporters of the west London club causing many of them to touch their forehead with back of their hand and collapse into the arms of a gallant friend.

Nathan Muir, a Craven Cottagist, said: “I have never seen anything so beastly in all my days. What a thoroughly horrid individual.

“As he left the playing surface I gently called out ‘go fuck yourself, you dago bastard’ and he responded in the most disgusting and ungentlemanly fashion.

“I felt the blood drain from my face and my knees buckled. I truly felt I may expire.”

Stephen Malley, Muir’s dashing second cousin and a lieutenant in the Grenadier Guards, added: “Poor, dear, sweet Nathan fainted dead into my arms. It was all I could do to get him to a place of safety and give him some air.

“You mark my words, if I catch the blighter I’ll give him a thrashing he won’t forget in a hurry.”

Bill McKay, who has a ticket for the season, said: “I shall be writing to the editor of The Times.

“Things have come to a pretty pass when a game of decent English football cannot be dispatched without some grease-ridden parvenu debasing the public morals.”

The Footballing Association has launched a commission of inquiry into the gesture and could even recommend that Senor Suarez be ignored when promenading in St James’s Park of a Sunday afternoon.