Companies Resort To Employing The Welsh

THE recession took a turn for the worse last night as new figures revealed more businesses have resorted to using low cost Welshmen.

Unemployment in Wales has fallen by 1,000 so far this year, as towns close to the border are overrun by short, hairy employees who work for vodka and seem to speak Elvish.

Wayne Hayes, a warehouse worker from Chester, said: "I saw this odd creature stacking boxes. The boss said it's from somewhere called 'Llanerch-y-Mor', which I can only assume is a suburb of Mordor."

Wales still suffers from large scale unemployment with many unable to work due to a chronic sense of victimhood and vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight. Singer Charlotte Church's bar tab currently accounts for 42% of the country's GDP.

Meanwhile trade unions have called for increased safety checks warning an improperly-handled Welsh can explode in a shower of glowering resentment and vowel-free syllables.

Roy Hobbs, who employs 12 Welshmen at his factory in Shrewsbury, said: "They're charming little fellows that can easily be trained to do menial tasks. I sometimes think they almost understand what we're saying."

He added: "They're initially skittish around machinery but give them a pallet of straw to sleep on and a flagon of Brains Bitter every night and they're happy as larks."

But many are angry at the introduction of the Welsh. Nikki Hollis, an accounts assistant from Ludlow, said: "How would you like an Ian Woosnam look-a-like screaming Tom Jones down your ear and rubbing his crotch against your cheek while you're trying to do the regional sales figures?"

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For Christ's Sake Just Buy Some Helicopters, Says Everyone

MINISTERS were last night told to stop dicking about and just buy a load of helicopters, for Christ's sake.

People across Britain said that if helicopters will stop soldiers from being blown up in Afghanistan then ministers should really get some of them and stop being such a bunch of arseholes, all the time.

The government has so far refused demands from senior generals to buy more helicopters, insisting they are even more dangerous than the Taleban because if you don't crouch down they can chop the top of your head off.

But Bill McKay, from Doncaster, said: "When it comes to wars and stuff I'm inclined to go with generals and admirals, rather than some bloke called 'Bob Ainsworth' who spent 20 years as a shop steward in Coventry before deciding to sit around on his fat arse all day spending my money."

Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: "The problem seems to be bombs at the side of the road. I would suggest we build a huge network of canals, but unfortunately all the Irish are now working in call centres.

"I'm no scientist, but it would appear that the only available option would therefore be some sort of flying machine."

She added: "I know, why don't we get the MPs to hand over the profits they made from all the houses they bought with my money? That's got to be at least three helicopters. Probably quite good ones as well."

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Surrey, said: "I've noticed there are lots of wind turbines just standing about doing precisely fuck all most of the time. Surely we can use some of the bits to make at least one helicopter?"

And Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, added: "Do we want a state of the art Olympic velodrome so we can maintain our global dominance at riding a bike, or do we want more live soldiers? It's a tricky one isn't it?"