Cows to get minimum wage

BRITAIN’s bovine milk suppliers are to receive a guaranteed income for their bodily secretions.

Each cow is to be paid between £3.79 and £6.50 an hour, depending on age, for producing milk and will get the weekend off so they can go down the shops and spend it.

Fresian Susan Traherne said: “The big supermarkets had been squeezing us too hard, literally as well as figuratively.

“Giving the money direct to us it means we won’t be ripped off by the farmer and he can carry on living in his big house, apart from when we need it for parties.”

British businesses, keen to take advantage of almost two million cows with a disposable income, are already launching high-heels for hooves, cow make-up and every Friday night is Grass Cocktail night at Wetherspoons.

Calf Tom Logan said: “It’s good they’re getting paid but, like many young bulls my age, I don’t want to hang around some boring farm my whole life.

“I’ve taken an apprenticeship in a slaughterhouse and from there, they tell me, I’ll be going to supermarkets across the UK.”

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State school alumni dominating the boring menial jobs sector

MORE must be done to stop state school pupils monopolising all the repetitive low-paid jobs, it has been claimed.

Old Harrovian Tom Booker said: “People like me long to experience the realness of working long shifts in the oily atmosphere of a fast food franchise, or stacking shelves in a supermarket at 3AM, but we don’t have the contacts or the grasp of ITV-related chit-chat.

“If you go into any fast food establishment in any UK city, guaranteed the fryer baskets are being manned by a former comprehensive pupil. Same with biscuit factories, and even call centres.

“In the meantime I have to make do with a shitty Guardian column and a three-book deal with Faber & Faber.”

Burger van operative Mary Fisher said: “My mum worked in a Wimpy but I never even mentioned that in my interview because I was worried about nepotism.

“I got here on my own merits, because I can stand up for 14 hours in a hot van without passing out.”

Pie factory labourer Tom Booker said: “Unfortunately our sector is run by a cabal of working class people and I cannot see that changing. There is no room for upper class people, literally in fact because they are too tall to stand up straight in our refectory.

“Obviously they want to be me but life is unfair and sometimes dreams must stay dreams.”