BRITAIN’s bovine milk suppliers are to receive a guaranteed income for their bodily secretions.
Each cow is to be paid between £3.79 and £6.50 an hour, depending on age, for producing milk and will get the weekend off so they can go down the shops and spend it.
Fresian Susan Traherne said: “The big supermarkets had been squeezing us too hard, literally as well as figuratively.
“Giving the money direct to us it means we won’t be ripped off by the farmer and he can carry on living in his big house, apart from when we need it for parties.”
British businesses, keen to take advantage of almost two million cows with a disposable income, are already launching high-heels for hooves, cow make-up and every Friday night is Grass Cocktail night at Wetherspoons.
Calf Tom Logan said: “It’s good they’re getting paid but, like many young bulls my age, I don’t want to hang around some boring farm my whole life.
“I’ve taken an apprenticeship in a slaughterhouse and from there, they tell me, I’ll be going to supermarkets across the UK.”