Mirallas unsuccessfully tries to park Baines’s car

EVERTON midfielder Kevin Mirallas has damaged team-mate Leighton Baines’s car after deciding to park it for him.

Arriving at Everton’s Finch Farm training ground, Baines stopped his car to trade bawdy, unsophisticated smalltalk with a group of teammates.

Mirallas then stunned colleagues by demanding to park the vehicle for him “because he is shit hot at cars”.

Everton defender John Stones said: “To be fair to him, Kevin’s shown a decent command of the clutch, but he’s pulled the car just too wide and missed the space altogether, clipping my Ford Focus.

“It’s not that Kev’s a bad driver, in fact it’s quite the opposite he’s one of the best at the club. He’s more or less the only one us who knows how to get into fifth gear.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After The Sun got rid of Page 3, you look forward to them getting rid of the other 59.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In a cross-party focus group to look at ways of attracting female, BME and working class voters, your suggestion of ‘Don’t be a horde of pricks’ gets a cool reception.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
So far, so good for dry January. The 21st. Not including wine.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not forget all your worries and watch your favourite Bond film? YOLT.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Remember, bad dreams aren’t real, they’re just your subconscious sketching out scenarios that have every chance of occurring in the near future.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you think you have the skills and mindset required to become a Royal Marine, for Christ’s sake join the army or you’ll end up in jail.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not spice up the workplace by inserting pages into the printer tray that have ‘a nobhead says what?’ pre-printed at the top?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A massive asteroid will hurtle close to earth on Monday, pausing briefly to flip you the finger on its way past.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Nothing makes you hide behind your sofa like a really scary horror film. Except for that gang you owe twenty large to, perhaps.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Waking with the icy light of dawn announcing itself through the bedroom curtains, you look out on a town dusted under a fresh layer of snow, like a slumbering swan, and think what a bastard it’s going to be to make a clean getaway while burgling.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Another good session at the gym. You didn’t even make a straining noise when you opened your water bottle.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medi-diabetic, you say? Oh.