Churchill clone actually a bit of an arse

A JURASSIC Park-style clone of Winston Churchill has made Britons realise that the WW2 prime minister may have been an arse.

Scientists had hoped the clone would apply his legendary leadership skills to modern Britain, but he has mostly spent his time drinking port and planning daredevil missions for the RAF.

Government scientist Julian Cook said: “As a keen imperialist, cloned Winston was alarmed by the ISIS takeover of Iraq, or as he calls it, ‘the Mesopotamian native uprising’.

“However his solution was to bomb the entire region into submission with poison gas and install a colonial governor whose sole qualification was having been to Eton or Harrow.

“We also had a close call with a one-day teacher’s strike when it turned out cloned Winston was planning to send in the army and test out a new type of armoured car.

“And I’m sure his vast intake of champagne and brandy affects his judgement. It would certainly explain the memo ‘Atomic space dreadnoughts and robot-man cavalry to establish Mars bridgehead?’”

Insiders said cloned Churchill had also ruffled feathers with comments about women being “too dainty” to vote and a plan to replace the ‘Bolshevik’ NHS with “fresh air and exercise”.

Cloned Churchill said: “People keep interrupting my speech-writing with nonsense about house prices, tuition fees and interviews with some insufferable little man called John Humphrys.

“That will change when I tell the Commons about my plan to recapture Australia.”

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Cafe refilled Heinz bottles with generic ketchup

A LONDON cafe has been caught refilling its old Heinz sauce bottles with cheaper ‘industrial ketchup’.

Customers at the Penny Farthing in Acton noted that although there were Heinz bottles on its tables, the labels were suspiciously old and grubby.

Lorry driver Tom Booker said: “Heinz has not used this label design for years. These bottles date back to around 2004.

“The ketchup within is a vivid red, it almost looks radioactive. I bet it comes from a catering supplies warehouse in Stoke, probably supplied in big plastic drums labelled ‘1 x Red Sauce HK454’.

“I don’t really give a fuck, but it is misleading.”

Cafe owner Mary Fisher said: “I admit we can’t afford Heinz sauce. It is a luxury condiment. But putting the luminous catering ketchup in the old bottles at least allows our customers to dream of a better life.

“In some ways I am a purveyor of dreams, selling not only fried breakfasts but also the illusion of a high-end sauce lifestyle.”