Curry houses face shortage of limp salad for you to ignore

CURRY restaurants are facing bankruptcy after a lettuce shortage means they have no limp salads for diners to disregard. 

Across Britain, restauranteurs are wondering whether to even open their doors knowing that they will not be able to serve drunks with a small bowl of chopped lettuce, onion and tomatoes that they will throw away untouched later.

Tahsan Mahmud, proprietor of the Star of India in Shrewsbury, said: “I know my customers, and I know they will not stand for this.

“They come in at 11.30pm and demand a lamb vindaloo accompanied by several Tiger beers, but they are as aware as I am that the lettuce is key to the whole aesthetic.

“Without that sitting there, ignored, the rogan josh will lose its piquancy, the poppadoms their pop, the bhajis their bite. It’s a crucial reminder of all the traditions of English cuisine that you’re mercifully not having to eat.

“We’re doing our best to make some out of paper, green ink and varnish. But it just doesn’t look as unappetising as the real thing.”

Curry house regular Tom Booker said: “No lettuce? I might be forced to kick off at the waiter. Which I never normally would.”

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Trump kindly grants world a holiday from mental shit

PRESIDENT Trump has generously granted the world a 24-hour break from his onslaught of lunatic behaviour. 

Across the world, people are waking up to find no news of unhinged executive orders, deranged calls to world leaders or beserk Twitter threats and are overwhelmed with relief.

Nathan Muir of Stockton-on-Tees said: “This is better than Christmas.

“I hadn’t realised how accustomed I’d become to checking the doom device, as I call my phone now, half-asleep then spending all day weighed down by the burden of whatever the psychopath leading the free world had done now.

“Instead I’ve got a spring in my step, a smile on my face, and who knows I might make it to the end of the day without my head in my hands murmuring ‘Oh God oh God we’re all going to die’.”

Muir added: “It’s war tomorrow, I imagine. I’ll just enjoy the break while I can.”