Wenger and Corbyn to swap jobs 

ARSENAL manager Arsene Wenger and Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn are to trade roles in a bid to transform the fortunes of their respective teams.

The year-long experiment will see Corbyn don Wenger’s ‘very hungry caterpillar’ anorak in the Arsenal dugout, while Wenger will grow a beard to face Theresa May across the despatch box.

A Labour spokesman said: “Mr Wenger has already pledged that Labour will finish in the top four of every by-election while he is in charge.

“He also plans to bring in a number of European politicians into the party who will be ideally suited to travel up to Stoke or Burnley on a cold February weekday night and perform fantastically well, so long as they are wearing gloves.”

Meanwhile Jeremy Corbyn said: “I feel it’s high time Arsenal broke links with their fat cat corporate backers and returned to their 19th century roots in Woolwich.

“If Arsenal relocated from the Emirates Stadium to their original home of Plumstead Common, with jumpers for goalposts and laced footballs, they would regain the sense of purpose they lost under New Arsenal from the 1920s onwards.

“Supporters would pour out in their droves, believe me.”



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Big-hearted rail companies not going to burn down your house

IN an act of unprecedented generosity, Britain’s train companies have confirmed they will never set fire to your house.

After kindly agreeing not to totally dick passengers on unnecessarily costly tickets, rail firms confirmed that they will also not destroy your home or smear fox shit on your best coat.

Rail boss Wayne Hayes said: “There’s so much horrible stuff we could do to you, the public, if we didn’t care deeply about your welfare.

“I personally could break into your house tonight and crush corn flakes into all the carpets, then leave a dead goat in your loft that you wouldn’t notice unless it went rancid.

“I am not going to do that though, and you don’t even have to thank me. Although you can if you like, and that might be appropriate given the power I wield.”

He said: “You may also notice you get a free magazine on our trains. I think it might be called ‘Train Break’. There’s usually an interview with Kate Winslet and a word search.

“You’re welcome.”