Massive suitcase ideal for train

A MAN believes it was the right decision to take the largest suitcase he could find onto a crowded train.

Tom Booker was pleased with the performance of his Voyager Armor-Lok suitcase, which is the size of a bookcase and could probably withstand a direct hit from a tank.

Booker said: “It’s much too big to fit in the overhead rack, but that’s no problem because there’s just enough space for it to fit in the aisle.

“Usually I leave it partly blocking one of the doors, which is great for passing the time on journeys because you have to keep getting up to move it and generally arse around.

“It’s good for striking up conversations with other passengers too. A rather attractive woman kept saying flirtatious things like ‘Will you please fucking move that?’ I should have got her phone number.

“The best thing is knowing your belongings are safe. I expect people with rucksacks arrive at their destination and discover all their stuff has been crushed.

“Also if I got caught in a blizzard I could probably empty it and climb inside.”

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Family whose mum feeds them on £3 a day spending £42 a day on snacks

A FAMILY whose mother boasts of providing them with healthy, nutritious meals for £3 a day secretly spends £294 a week on junk food. 

Eleanor Shaw makes simple but nourishing meals using only cheap, basic ingredients, which her husband and two children dutifully munch between surreptitious visits to Burger King and KFC.

18-year-old Luke Shaw said: “Mum’s a wizard at bargain meals that leave you craving something pre-packaged full of delicious trans fats.

“And she never wastes leftovers. If you don’t eat something for dinner, you’ll be throwing it away as your packed lunch the next day.

“So I’m blowing £14 a day on a Maccy Dee breakfast, Subway lunch, crisps before dinner to stave off hunger pangs then a kebab afterward to take the taste away.”

Mrs Shaw said: “We’re saving hundreds a week because of my thriftiness, which I’m selflessly documenting on a food blog to help others.

“Is that Domino’s at the door again? Why they can’t get the right house I don’t know. It’s four nights a week.”