Defence merger halted by time travelling robot

BAE Systems and EADS have decided to cancel their planned merger, after a robot from the future threatened to kill everyone involved.

According to the android, if the firms merged they would create an unstoppable mechanized army that would wipe out mankind by 2021.

The humanoid robot arrived from the future last weekend, appearing stark naked in the middle of the A12.

When asked why he travelled nude, the machine said: The scientists in charge of time travel are colossal perverts.”

The robot then gate-crashed a meeting between BAE Systems and EADS, and issued a stark warning. He revealed that in less than 10 years mankind would lose a war with ferocious killing machines built by the two firms.

Representatives from the companies immediately called off the merger, admitting the prophesy ‘sounds like something we’d do’.

The robot has since moved in with Radio 1 DJ Fearne Cotton, who he describes as ‘the all time number one human’.

According to the robot: Before they died, all the future humans loved Fearne Cotton.

“They acted like her and talked like her. It was well random.”

The public is now clamouring for BAE Systems and EADS to merge as quickly as possible and make their killing machines extra deadly.

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Privilege requires poor people too, say experts

PRIVILEGE exists because there are people who are not privileged, it was confirmed last night.

As prime minister David Cameron said he wanted to ‘extend privilege’, experts said he was either an idiot, a bastard or an idiot bastard.

Julian Cook, professor of politics at Roehampton University, said: “And saying that you want everyone to go to Eton is empirically stupid. And therefore not a very good advert for going to Eton.

“What you say is ‘I want working and middle class people to have more money’. You then mention the best state school in the country and say that you want them all to be like that. People will know it’s just a speech, but at least you won’t sound like a fucking muppet.”

He added: “I have now come to the conclusion that the Conservative Party is indeed a broad church. Of cretins.

“My suspicions were first raised when they failed to win an overall majority after three years of a government led by Gordon Brown. I thought to myself, ‘that’s a bit stupid’.

“They are now 10 points behind a Labour Party led by someone who should be stacking shelves in Forbidden Planet and George Osborne is losing an economic debate to Ed Fucking Balls.

“Michael Gove only seems clever because he’s so weedy, while Ian Duncan Smith has the searing intelligence that leads to ‘faith-based’ solutions.

“Jeremy Hunt is the only one who is probably cleverer than he looks.

“And as for Boris Johnson? His cv thus far – Slagging off Europe in the Daily Telegraph, editing a magazine read largely by the senile, winning Henley for the Tories and defeating a Marxist newt-fancier.

“But where’s his Nobel Prize?”

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