Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After building a time machine you decide not to travel back to 1920s Germany to kill Hitler as planned and instead set the dial for a 1975 episode of Top Of The Pops.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Relief this week as you managed to get the amount of Glastonbury tickets you were after. None.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I am equally not arsed, to be honest. She’s got dance classes on a Tuesday night and she’s allergic to almonds. Knock yourself out.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Although several people have been imprisoned for posting abusive messages on Facebook, I think it’s unlikely the police will be interested in the time you pulled a wanker sign behind Mike Read on Saturday Superstore in 1983.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Friends have come to realise you’re not the best person to come to for love-life advice when most of your tips start with “Relationships are a lot like badger-baiting.”

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After getting the boiler checked it turns out you weren’t suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning as you’d feared, you’re just really hungover all the time.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The point at which you could be described as ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ has passed and the phrase ‘beef jerky dressed as veal’ is now more appropriate.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, the Archbishop of Canterbury orders a schoolgirl to get a right good kicking for getting a Blue Peter badge for her work in amateur archaeology. Of course he fucking didn’t.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The wheels on the bus go round and round, all day long. Because it’s stopping for passengers that really makes the job shite.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Now you’ve taken a photo of the idyllic beach view on your holiday to make all your friends jealous, why not take a few snaps of the twenty-minute pissy argument you had with your other half about where you’re going for lunch?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve had to abandon your plans to make novelty Eric pickles after research shows they don’t make sterilised jars fucking enormous enough.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve reached a crossroads in your life. It’s 1986. You’re Ralph Macchio. I’ve no idea where I’m going with this.

Holocaust survivors rally round Church of England

HOLOCAUST survivors have backed George Carey’s claim that he is like a victim of the Nazis because he does not like the gays getting married.

Elderly Jewish people agreed that their suffering was the perfect metaphor for the former Archbishop of Canterbury’s brave refusal to mind his own business.

Survivors of Auschwitz and Dachau said that, with the possible exception of drivers who compare traffic wardens to Hitler, George Carey’s remarks could not have been more appropriate or free from self-pity.

Chaim Berkowitz, 88, said: “As a young man, I bore personal witness to the rampages of Kristallnacht. I remember thinking to myself, ‘This is what I imagine being an Anglican in the 21st century will feel like. I must be as brave as them’.”

A spokesman for the Simon Wiesenthal Foundation, added: “If the Holocaust is to have any meaning for future generations then it must be as an easy, go-to point of comparison for people who are being disagreed with.

“George Carey is right. Being criticised because you don’t like two men having bouncy fun is the same as the Final Solution. It’s as plain as the nose on Himmler’s face.

“If anything, the Warsaw ghetto could have done with being slightly worse, just to reinforce the Archbishop’s point.”

The spokesman added: “Much as Jews were forced to wear yellow stars, so the anti-gay Christians will surely be made to wear sew-on patches by the liberal fascists.

“Probably a triangle. But what colour?”