Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After building a time machine you decide not to travel back to 1920s Germany to kill Hitler as planned and instead set the dial for a 1975 episode of Top Of The Pops.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Relief this week as you managed to get the amount of Glastonbury tickets you were after. None.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I am equally not arsed, to be honest. She’s got dance classes on a Tuesday night and she’s allergic to almonds. Knock yourself out.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Although several people have been imprisoned for posting abusive messages on Facebook, I think it’s unlikely the police will be interested in the time you pulled a wanker sign behind Mike Read on Saturday Superstore in 1983.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Friends have come to realise you’re not the best person to come to for love-life advice when most of your tips start with “Relationships are a lot like badger-baiting.”
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After getting the boiler checked it turns out you weren’t suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning as you’d feared, you’re just really hungover all the time.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The point at which you could be described as ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ has passed and the phrase ‘beef jerky dressed as veal’ is now more appropriate.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, the Archbishop of Canterbury orders a schoolgirl to get a right good kicking for getting a Blue Peter badge for her work in amateur archaeology. Of course he fucking didn’t.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The wheels on the bus go round and round, all day long. Because it’s stopping for passengers that really makes the job shite.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Now you’ve taken a photo of the idyllic beach view on your holiday to make all your friends jealous, why not take a few snaps of the twenty-minute pissy argument you had with your other half about where you’re going for lunch?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve had to abandon your plans to make novelty Eric pickles after research shows they don’t make sterilised jars fucking enormous enough.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve reached a crossroads in your life. It’s 1986. You’re Ralph Macchio. I’ve no idea where I’m going with this.