Average family weird

THE average British family is deeply unsettling, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found a wide range of weirdness, from dads who made no secret of fancying their wife’s sister, to them all being the last five members of the National Front.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The average family has two children, a combined income of £39,000 a year, a blue Ford Focus and their own private word for butter.

“The weirdness is often trivial, as in the case of the family from Croydon who only fed their labrador fish because they firmly believe that dogs are a type of small bear.

“However, it could also take more worrying forms, such as the family who listed their hobbies as ‘camping’, ‘hill-walking’ and ‘preparing for the war against the machines’.

“The average family are not people you’d want to live next door to. But you do.”

The research also found he average family eats out once a month, with the choice of food usually dictated by some outdated prejudice, like believing Chinese restaurants go to the trouble of catching local cats.

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Bake-Off will last as long as the recession, says BBC

THE Great British Bake-Off will last as long as you need it to, the BBC has confirmed.

The Corporation assured a tense, angry Britain that while it toils in the midst of economic gloom it will provide a desperate country with lingering images of sugary comfort food.

Emma Bradford, from Hatfield, said: “I must be able to eat brownies all day and then come home to a programme about enthusiastic amateurs making brownies that, somehow, seem even more delicious.

“Otherwise I will paint the office walls with the blood of my enemies.”

Presenters Mel and Sue confirmed that their schedules could ‘work around’ the BBC’s desire to make quirky food shows, while the Corporation confirmed that Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry were now subject to a Compulsory Purchase Order.

Tom Logan, a perfectly moist upside-down cake enthusiast, added: “Need it. Need it. Need it. Never stop doing this.

“Don’t fuck with me. I can make a bomb in my shed.”

A Corporation spokesman said: “If necessary, we will create BBC9 to show The Great British Bake-Off on a 48-hour loop.

“Right up until the point where you can, once again, afford to go on holiday to France and buy astonishing patisserie, made by 16 year-old trainee chefs, at prices you will not fucking believe.”