Delayed Gatwick passengers forced to drill for oil

PASSENGERS delayed at Gatwick Airport will be forced into slavery on a nearby oilfield.

The discovery of the huge oil reserve in Surrey will allow Britain’s second largest airport to make the experience of being there even more hellish.

A Gatwick spokesman said: “If your flight is delayed for more than half an hour we’ll drag you off to the oilfield where you will operate large, dangerous machines while facing the constant risk of bursting into flames.

“You won’t be allowed to board your plane unless you produce a stamped work card proving you’ve completed your shift.”

The spokesman added: “We have no financial interest in the oilfield, we just see this as a great opportunity to make innocent people suffer.

“We will beat you with truncheons if you complain.”

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Fairytale romances now include philandering

TIMELESS love stories can now begin with extra-marital boning, it has been confirmed.

As Charles and Camilla celebrate a decade of their inspiring, heart-melting marriage, romance experts confirmed that boning someone else behind your wife’s back is now part of the dream.

Romantic novelist Susan Traherne said: “These lovebirds are still as besotted with each other as they were over ten years ago, when Charles already had a princess but was still fucking Camilla on the side.

“The conventional sort of romance, where the handsome prince is not already in a legally and spiritually binding arrangement, is just for old ladies and prudes who will die with their hymens intact.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “It is special. Their love has inspired me to start shagging my friend’s wife.

“Hopefully that will end with us both living in a big castle, we’ll see.”