Tories promise to use next lot of Trident missiles

THE Tories have pledged to spend £100bn on a new batch of nuclear weapons and use them.

The party claimed taxpayers were ‘sick and tired’ of money being spent on gigantic, deadly missiles that just get carried around in a submarine.

Defence secretary Michael Fallon said: “The British want to show off their nuclear weapons. They want them to be more pro-active, thereby delivering both excitement and far greater value for money.”

He added: “We pledge to use one of the missiles every two years. It will be a national holiday – a day for celebration, pride in our country and the total annihilation of somewhere else.

“Perhaps understandably, people will want to know where we intend to direct these missiles.

“Mexico, Denmark and Scotland.”

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Ask Holly: Should I reveal that David does terrible farts in bed?

Dear Holly,

It looks like my intimate election interviews with the Daily Mail are really paying off for David and helping him to win undecided voters. People seem to love it when you give them insight into your private life, but I’m running out of things to say about my kids and my marriage. Perhaps I could reveal how David always does terrible farts in bed and sometimes even holds my head under the covers; or how he once caught me picking my nose and eating it; or that David’s sex face reminds me of Mr Soft from those old Soft Mint adverts. Do you think these dubious insights might win over some more voters, e.g from Hull?



Dear Samantha,

Sometimes it’s not nice when you find out people’s secrets – I’d definitely advise you NOT to go rifling in your teacher’s handbag while she is not looking. At the very least expect to come across many sordid and mysterious items that grown up ladies use down below to plug leaks and stuff, and a well-thumbed copy of some sort of teacher’s manual called Fifty Shades of Grey. Regardless of what other questionable trinkets you discover, the nastiest surprise of all is that it turns out your teacher is a normal, functioning human being, which is totally and utterly beyond belief.

Hope that helps,