Unlikeable colleague wants to come to the pub

WORKERS have been left in turmoil after the least pleasant person in their office expressed interest in joining them for a drink.

Team members at a Cheltenham-based insurance company were making arrangements for post-work socialising when lead co-ordinator Julian Cook overheard.

Salesperson Emma Bradford said: “Julian is a prick, he also always has to have the last word on any topic and makes cruel jokes about his wife. He will ruin it.

“But we can’t exclude him or even cancel it because that feels sort of like bullying.

“On the other hand, nobody wants to go now. Truly this is a dilemma. Maybe one drink and then mumble some vague excuse involving a pilates class.”

Psychologist Mary Fisher said: “Prick colleagues have bat-like ears that pick on any mention of the pub.

“It’s a hard one to handle. I recommend the ‘sacrificial lamb’ approach where one person gets left talking to the prick while everyone else sidles off to the pool table.”

Julian Cook said: “Sometimes I think the guys are scared to ask me to the pub because I am very much the alpha male, it can be intimidating for the other men and overly arousing for the women.

“I am a natural raconteur. Everyone loves my jokes apart from my wife, the fat bitch.”

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Man violently opposed to EU because of problems with women

A MAN is opposed to the European Union because it has turned women into feminists who will not go out with him.

Tom Booker, from Stevenage, has linked the EU to a series of unhappy romantic incidents, particularly women telling him they only like him as a friend.

Co-worker Emma Bradford said: “Tom blames his romantic problems on feminism, rather than fancying women who are out of his league or obviously insane.

“He thinks that if we got rid of everything that might be vaguely liberal then women would all turn into obedient, 1950s housewives.

“Also, he reckons Match.com was set up by the European Regional Development Fund to destroy British manhood.”

Booker said: “Women are so demanding these days and I’m sure they’re getting it from Angela Merkel.

“Meanwhile our EU membership has also led to a huge influx of Romanian and Bulgarian women who all seem to be lesbians.”