Die At Your Desks, Demands CBI

PEOPLE should be happy to die at their desks rather than take time off to see the doctor during office hours, the Confederation of British Industry said last night. 

Those suffering from highly contagious diseases should be prepared to carry on working until their heads exploded in a festering bubble of pus and all their fleshy parts were eaten away by vicious bugs.

Only workers who could produce a valid death certificate signed by two GP’s and a hospital consultant should be allowed time off to visit their doctor, and then only at night, and then only if they were not on the night-shift, the CBI said.

Ben Winstanley, head of productivity at the CBI, said business leaders lost more than £100 billion in executive profit bonuses last year because of workers being sick on company time.

He said: “A half-dead worker is obviously only half as productive as a fit one but they are still a damned sight more productive than a worker who is not there at all because she is at the pissing doctors again, whining on about her 'women's problems'.

“Most workers already get more than 12 hours off every day. If they are going to use that time to catch cholera or syphilis or whatever else it is they have got then they can bloody well use it to get themselves cured. What more do these people want?

“In China, child workers have to make poisonous toys for 18-hours on the bounce without even getting a minute off to go for a pee. Sick ones are worked until they are dead and then shot for good measure and their bodies dumped on a fire. What’s wrong with us in this country? Have we all gone soft?”

Jacqui Brambles, 36, a call-centre worker with Abbey National, Glasgow, said she had opted to have most of her internal organs removed and replaced with sterile plastic tubing to cut down on the risk of missing work because of disease.

“The company gave me an interest free loan for the operation and I am now fed by a drip which allows me to stay at my desk for longer and save money on sandwiches. I really am very grateful for everything they have done,” she said.

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Darling To Guarantee All Bets On The 3.50 At Lingfield

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has agreed to cover all bets at this afternoon's EBF Maiden Stakes and is tipping the Irish two year-old, General Ting.

Trained by Sir Mark Prescott, General Ting is one of 14 runners on their first outing at Lingfield today.

The bay colt is ridden by Seb Sanders, currently locked in a battle for the Jockey's Championship with Jamie Spencer.

Meanwhile the Chancellor is also extending the government's Fucknut Compensation Scheme to ensure that people can do whatever they want with their money without the slightest consequence.

Mr Darling said: "Maiden stakes are always so fascinating. The runners are out there for the first time and, who knows, one of these young horses may be a legend-in-waiting.

"What's more the jockey's title is going right down to the wire. Terrific stuff."

Personal finance expert Bill McKay said: "Previously the Fucknut scheme covered only the first £32,000 you decided to give to salaried loan sharks.

"Now the government will refund every penny you spend, even if you invest your life savings in the return of Betamax video recorders."

Mr Darling added: "If you see a brand new Ferrari advertised on eBay for a Buy-it-Now price of £3000, my advice is 'go for it'.

"When you turn up to collect it and discover you've been shafted, worry not – I'll send you a cheque."

Tom Logan, markets analyst with ABF McMartin and Dillcott, said: "Northern Rock investors tend to be respectable types who vote, unlike the horrid poor people who are left high and dry when their Christmas Club goes down the shitter."