Capitalists warn houses may become affordable to ordinary people

ECONOMISTS have warned Britain faces a doomsday scenario in which ordinary people on average wages would be able to buy their own homes.

Falling prices mean that unless urgent action is taken we could see a return to the dark days of the 1970s in which three-bedroom houses cost so little that even public sector employees could afford them.

Mary Fisher of Nationwide Building Society said, “I’m looking at the current projections and frankly, they frighten me. At this rate, even I’ll be able to get a mortgage and I’m only 37.

“If prices continue to tumble, we face seeing London towerblocks filled with actual residents who work no more than 15 minutes away. It will devastate the podcast industry.

“The only way to avert this crisis is a bail-out, pumping billions into property to keep prices high and guarantee that overseas investors get the return on their money they deserve.

“We did it for the bankers, we can do it for the property speculators. We just need to pull together and show a bit of that Dunkirk spirit.”

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Magic Money Tree false but Enchanted Brexit Fountain real

THERE is no such thing as a Magic Money Tree, believers in the Enchanted Brexit Fountain of Prosperity have told Jeremy Corbyn. 

The Labour leader’s fantasy of a tree with banknote leaves is childish nonsense and must be rejected in favour of a red, white and blue fountain whose inexhaustible waters imbue greatness, say voters.

Roy Hobbs of Hythe said: “Pluck off the low-hanging £50s, leave the tenners to ripen, all our public services are paid for. It’d be lovely to believe it but, Jeremy, I’m too old for fairy stories.

“We’ve got to be practical. And in two years, when we drink deep of the blessed waters that run from the golden lion’s mouth, waters that will revive our industries and turn the world map pink again, we’ll be glad we did the sensible thing.

“Sprinkle a few drops here and whoosh, British Leyland’s cars are the envy of the globe. A draught there and Carry On is beating Marvel at the global box office.

“Come on, lad. Now’s not the time for dreamers. Come and join the rest of us in the real world.”