Economy Not Really Our Strongpoint, Admits Bank Of England

THE Bank of England last night admitted the economy was not its strongest subject, insisting it was much better at films and television.

Deputy governor Sir John Gieve revealed the Bank did not appreciate the severity of the financial crisis because it had been watching the Godfather trilogy in chronological order.

Sir John told the BBC's Panaroma programme: "Were we supposed to be keeping an eye on all this economic stuff? Right, right, I see. Gosh.

"Look, I'll be honest with you, we're not especially good at analysing lots of big numbers and interpeting them, but can you name the actor who played police Captain Mcluskey? The one who gets his head blown off in the restaurant? No? Well, it was Sterling Hayden.

"And did you know that James Caan originally auditioned for the part of Michael, but they went with Al Pacino instead? Thank goodness for that, eh? Can you imagine?"

Sir John said the British economy was now in a 'reception' that would probably last for 'a while' especially if 'everyone keeps losing their jobs and stuff'.

"Apparently what happens is that when you don't buy stuff companies don't make any money and they close down. It's just a shame they didn't come up with a really brilliant idea like Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success.

"But then again, they might not have been able to handle the pressure like Michael J. Fox in Bright Lights, Big City."

He added: "The good news is that all this depressing money stuff should not interfere with the opening of the new Star Trek movie next summer.

"Although I have to say I am deeply concerned about Simon Pegg's accent. Personally, I would have gone with an actual Scotsman to play Scottie. Perhaps a Gerard Butler or a James McAvoy. No, hang on – Dougray Scott."

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Song Everyone Pretends To Understand Is Christmas Number One

THE incredibly moving song that everyone pretends to understand has topped the Christmas pop charts.

Hallelujah captured the top two spots last night as working class people who don't understand the Alexandra Burke version outnumbered university graduates who don't understand the Jeff Buckley version.

Meanwhile composer Leonard Cohen said he was delighted his epic poem, filled with obscure biblical imagery, was finally being downloaded as a ringtone.

Hallelujah fan Tom Logan, from London, said: "I do get very emotional when I hear the line 'she tied you to her kitchen chair, she broke your throne and she cut your hair' because that happened to me once.

"Except it was more of a shaving situation. In the groinal region."

Emma Bradford, an assistant bank manager from Swindon, said: "'I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the lord.' That always makes me cry because my boyfriend is called David and he doesn't understand what it means either."

She added: "The line about love not being a victory march is very profound, because it really isn't is it? A victory march usually involves lots of people in uniforms, a brass band, some horses and perhaps even the Red Arrows. It's a totally different thing."

She added: "But I suppose love really is a cold and broken hallelujah. Unless you actually like the other person, in which case it's mostly quite enjoyable."

Stephen Malley, an architect from Bath, said: "'I used to live alone before I knew you'. For me that really says it all because before I met my wife I actually did live alone for about six months. Happy days."

Bill McKay, a retired teacher from Wetherby, added: "Ah yes, 'you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.' As did the police when they finally caught me. And they still haven't returned my binoculars."