Everyone can tell your shirt is unironed

THE entire office can see that you’ve not ironed that shirt and is judging you because of it.

All your colleagues, including the canteen ladies, confirmed behind your back that the shirt looks absolutely nowhere near presentable.

Francesca Johnson, who has a 10am meeting with you, has already heard by email that you’re claiming that it got this creased in the car and have put your suit jacket back on.

She said: “Obviously he has some sort of problems at home and is on the verge of a massive mental incident.

“That’s sad but he’s clearly not focused on work. The best thing is to sack him.”

The office is also perfectly aware that your grey jumper is only worn when you can’t be bothered to iron, and knows the difference between a suit that’s been dry-cleaned and one that’s had a few quick squirts of Febreze.

Manager Mary Fisher said: “It’s not as if Friday’s any better. Do I really have to send an email to ‘All Staff’ titled ‘Casual doesn’t mean food-stained’?

“We’re working up a little trip to the managing director’s office this afternoon, and you know how he is about the importance of grooming.

“I probably won’t mention anything about the shirt myself, though. But if others do I won’t step in.”

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Tarantino sues himself for plagiarism

PULP Fiction director Quentin Tarantino is suing himself for writing a screenplay clearly derivative of his earlier work.

Tarantino’s new script, Snappy-Dialogued Revenge Bloodbath, has been published online for the minuscule audience of people who’d rather read instructions of how to make a film than watch one.

The director has responded by issuing legal proceedings against himself for “shamelessly ripping off” his innovative earlier films.

He said: “The scene where a gay matador beats a cowboy to death with a baseball bat in slow motion? Mine.

“The subsequent scene where that same cowboy, except he’s still alive because this is six weeks earlier, shoots dead everyone in a planetarium to the sound of Axel F? Mine.

“The scene where the gay matador and the cowboy play Russian roulette while discussing the films of Howard Hawks? That one’s from a movie by Takeshi Miike, but it was my idea to re-envision it.

“This entire script is nothing but a patchwork of things from cult movies, fetishised violence and meandering conversations about pop culture. It’s like every page is branded with the initials ‘QT’.

“Though I do appreciate that the writer’s put in a small part for me, which is nice because I am quite underrated as an actor.”