Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
When the people at either end of the skipping rope have the handles up their arses, it’s known as ‘Double Dutch’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you play the film Gandhi backwards and watch a zombie rise from the grave to enslave the whole of India.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Those pictures where people recreate photos from their childhood are cool but you’re not sure you’d want to be repeatedly stabbed in the leg with a compass again.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Browsing on Google Earth, you discover there’s an island inhabited entirely by actresses called Jennifer known as the Jennifer Colony.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Following other shows like Jump, Splash and Dancing On Ice where celebs recreate Olympic events, you write to Channel 4 about a show called ‘Osborne’ where 50,000 people boo them in an arena.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Friday your girlfriend will dump you because you’re going bald. Her loss.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you will take a satisfying final gulp from your beer, only to see there’s another unsatisfyingly small gulp left in the bottom.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re justifiably proud of “never shitting on your own doorstep” but that is no excuse for what happened on those other 43 doorsteps.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s been a difficult year so far but that’s all due to change this week, from ‘difficult’ to ‘surprising amount of random assaults’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Everyone says you look just like your dad, much to the relief of the best man at his wedding.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
With the death of Pete Seeger this week, you feel it’s an apt time to find out who on earth he actually was.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The views expressed herein do not reflect the views of the cosmos, God, Buddha, Vishnu or Psychic Bob.

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Recession preferable to smug Osborne

GRINDING financial hardship is preferable to seeing George Osborne looking pleased with himself, Britons have decided.

As the chancellor takes credit for Britain’s recent economic growth, most people now wish the economy had got worse, or better still collapsed altogether.

Factory owner Julian Cook said: “Any pleasure I felt about the economy finally improving was immediately cancelled out by the sight of that knob-nosed twat gleaming with pride.

“Signing on forever, or being forced to work in an underground factory like the morlocks in The Time Machine, would have been preferable.”

Graphic designer Nikki Hollis said: “After seeing Osborne looking like a dog with three dicks on the news, I’ve started praying there’ll be another Great Depression.

“That’d wipe the smile off his plump, weirdly girlish lips. Rummaging through bins for scraps of food or fighting over a delicious rat would be a price well worth paying.”

Economists believe that any further growth should be accompanied by a pledge by Osborne not to smile, grin or do that thing of throwing his head back slightly and laughing with his mouth open.

Professor Denys Finch Hatton said: “As an economist, I never thought I would be in favour of South American-style hyper-inflation so that a loaf of bread costs three million pounds.

“But if that’s what it takes to make Osborne look miserable and worried like he used to, fine.”