Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
When the people at either end of the skipping rope have the handles up their arses, it’s known as ‘Double Dutch’.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you play the film Gandhi backwards and watch a zombie rise from the grave to enslave the whole of India.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Those pictures where people recreate photos from their childhood are cool but you’re not sure you’d want to be repeatedly stabbed in the leg with a compass again.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Browsing on Google Earth, you discover there’s an island inhabited entirely by actresses called Jennifer known as the Jennifer Colony.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Following other shows like Jump, Splash and Dancing On Ice where celebs recreate Olympic events, you write to Channel 4 about a show called ‘Osborne’ where 50,000 people boo them in an arena.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Friday your girlfriend will dump you because you’re going bald. Her loss.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you will take a satisfying final gulp from your beer, only to see there’s another unsatisfyingly small gulp left in the bottom.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re justifiably proud of “never shitting on your own doorstep” but that is no excuse for what happened on those other 43 doorsteps.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s been a difficult year so far but that’s all due to change this week, from ‘difficult’ to ‘surprising amount of random assaults’.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Everyone says you look just like your dad, much to the relief of the best man at his wedding.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
With the death of Pete Seeger this week, you feel it’s an apt time to find out who on earth he actually was.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The views expressed herein do not reflect the views of the cosmos, God, Buddha, Vishnu or Psychic Bob.