File-Share Crackdown 'Breaches Fundamental Right To Steal'

PLANS to cut-off the internet connections of people who share films and music have been branded an attack on the basic right to steal other people’s property.

As Peter Mandelson unveiled legislation which would make it a crime to just help yourself whenever you damn well pleased, internet service providers said the new laws were an unfair restriction on their ability to give broadband connections to thieves.

A spokesman for TalkTalk said: “Why should parents be penalised just because they’re unlucky enough to raise a criminal who can get them a free download of Gran Torino?”

Emma Bradford, 17, from Grantham, said: “I went into Reg Vardy’s intending to drive off in a Ford Focus, but the guy refused to give me the keys and pointed to this sign saying that all the cars have to be paid for, like they were someone’s property or something.”

She added: “People don’t own cars. Cars just exist. They’re in the ether. They’re like the air that we breathe. I suppose you want to charge me for breathing cars now?”

Stephen Malley, an 18 year-old thief from Hatfield, said: “I don’t have the balls for shoplifting which means I am forced to help myself in the privacy of my own bedroom.

“When will the government realise that no-one owns music, with the possible exception of the people who wrote it and the people who then the paid the people who wrote an agreed sum of monies?

“But what gives them the right – enshrined in legislation, mind you – to recoup those monies from me just because I want to have a permanent copy of it that I can listen to whenever I want?”

He added: “I’ve just realised – I am exactly the same as Gandhi.”



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Winehouse Drug-Athon To Raise Money For Ugandan School

SINGER Amy Winehouse is launching an attempt on the world drug-bender record to raise money for a Ugandan primary school.

During the mammoth session the 'Back to Black' star will be consuming crack, heroin, cheap speedy pills and a two gallon jug of paint stripper.

A spokesman said: "She's been in training with some of the country's top junkies, including the legendary 'Norwegian Dale'.

"The plan is that when she starts to glaze over from the brown, the Es and crack will perk her up again and give her the energy to stay on it. She really is an inspiration to everyone who wants to take drugs for charity."

Winehouse's record attempt will raise money for a school in the Ugandan village of Katosi, which desperately needs a new roof.

Head teacher Akiki Balunda said: "We are very grateful to Amy for this and have faith in her bison-like constitution.

"We wanted to help her out by sending some drugs, but all we could find was a few out-of-date malaria tablets."

The existing world drug-bender record is held by a 44-year-old from Manchester known simply as 'Cheb', who consumed nine times his own body weight in poor quality street opiates during a two month ming-up which ended when he jumped naked into a local zoo's Komodo dragon enclosure.

He wished Winehouse well in her record attempt, adding: "Mint. Bangin'. Mint. Mint. Totally fuckin' mint"

Cheb said he given up endurance drug taking so that he can focus on trying to kill an owl with a crossbow in the belief that if he eats it he will become Dolph Lundgren.